Ocho Cinco to Have Cinco Tequilas, Por Favor

Chad Ocho Cinco (the mediocre wide receiver that ate Chad Johnson) not think good. Play football good: yes; talk good, think good: no, especially when it comes to evaluating the play of his team.

In a conference call with reporters today, Ocho Cinco put his brain in gear, and it spat out the following exchange with all the ferocity and power of a four cylinder Honda full of fat people chugging uphill in a stiff headwind (emphasis ours):

Question: Do you think all the Bengals that have been in trouble have resulted inyou guys struggling on the field at times?

Ocho Cinco: "No man, that has nothing to do with it. That has nothing to do with it. Think about this: You remember our '05 season right? Our '05 season we were unbelievable. Our '05 season is the year everybody went to jail and got arrested. That year everybody got in trouble. So maybe the bad was a good thing. It sounds dumb to say, but look at it. We have cleaned house and nobody is getting in trouble anymore, no DUIs, no arrests, now we're getting our a-- whopped. Maybe I don't know, maybe I should go out have a drink, get in trouble. Our '05 was one of the best years here in history. It was one of those years where there was a lot of distractions"

The Cincinnati Bengals, undoubtedly lining up sponsorship deals with Patron and Taser, are a bad team right now, and Ocho Cinco -- that's Spanish for "fantasy team cancer" -- is having a tremendously unproductive year at wideout. He may even be onto something, as Jeff Pearlman's new book about the legendary Cowboys' teams of the mid-90s makes it seem like keeping a team brothel and occasionally slashing teammates' throats with scissors has something to do with winning multiple Super Bowls in a decade.

In fact, we were going to say something about how this was an erroneous statement, and how brainless it was, but screw that -- go ahead and have a few, Ocho Cinco. While you're at it, take a teammate, and be sure to take a few pictures of you blitzed to the gills at a local watering hole, and send them to The Sporting Blog. That way, we all win -- the Bengals by getting a little piece of their outlaw nastiness back, and us by getting the cheap pageviews off pictures of drunk athletes that this fine American internet was built around, sir.

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