Saturday's Agenda, Featuring the Monocle Bowl

I’ll take 45 CCs of caffeine in the eyeball please. Kansas and Texas Tech kick off at 12:00 p.m., where the ball will hang high in the air, and then likely not cease moving for the next four hours as the two offense-friendly teams run laps back and forth on the grass in Lawrence. In their last meeting, the Red Raiders eked by on a 31-30 margin. Their defense yielded courteous yardage to a punchless Aggies team last week and their new kicker was just pulled from the stands -- literally -- by Coach Mike Leach. There are no guarantees this time in Lawrence.

Todd Reesing, fourth in the country in passing, is the entire Kansas offense, everyone knows this, and yet it still doesn’t seem to matter, perhaps because of his reading of The Economist and his superior understanding of risk management. Graham Harrell, second in the country, will be serving on the other side of the field. What he lacks in understanding of deep economic theory he makes up for with sheer pirate moxie.

If you wake up late, skip moob-inducing coffee and just watch this instead. Think of it as the coffee enema of this weekend’s college football games: bracing, maybe a bit painful, electrifying, and will leave you clean and ready for the rest of the day’s action.

Welcome to the Monocle Bowl. Don your top hats, get into your jalopies, and tell your driver to skedaddle in double-time to the Monocle Bowl, the epic clash of the upper classes that is Vanderbilt and Duke. In a perfect world, every man in the stands at this game would look like Mr. Monopoly. Remember that when two fanbases this wealthy clash on the football field, no one on either side truly ever loses, but instead suffers a "market correction" to their overall record. May actually be a good game, but you'll have to shell out for ESPN 360 if it's unavailable in your area ... which won't be a problem if you're twiddling your handlebar mustache, you railroad tycoon, you.

The race to 11. Beanie Wells is the entire storyline for the meeting of States Ohio and Penn. Wells is the catalyst for the slow-burning but unstoppable chemistry of the Buckeyes attack no matter who's taking the snaps, and if he remains fully healthy and bullish, the Buckeyes remain a threat. If not, they're doomed to being merely good. For Penn State, the goal is equally simple in theory: score more than 10 points, the oft-repeated peak of their offensive production in the Horseshoe.

Usually, Penn State plays in front of a sea of angelic white; to make the contrast as clear as possible, the Buckeyes are running a "Scarlet Fever" promo to raise awareness for muscular dystrophy, encouraging everyone in the mammoth crowd to wear scarlet. Though the hellish effect will be fitting for the Nittany Lions in their own place of Big Ten sorrow, I must object and say that Jim Tressel makes a lousy Lucifer. (Steve Spurrier thought he nailed the audition back in 1996.)

Daryll Clark has to bust the trend in the midst of a virtual Hell on the Halfshell in Columbus. Have fun storming the castle, boys!

Perhaps we made an inaccurate statement. Preseason-wise, I thought the talk of Georgia’s skull-crushing schedule was overblown, and for good reason: in every schedule someone falls out and collapses (see: Auburn,) thus weakening the schedule a bit and turning what looks like a rough game into a relative breather.

Unfortunately, we left out one brutal factor: injuries. Georgia is banged up to an extreme degree along the lines, just in time to face LSU on the road. Matthew Stafford’s bionic arm can send ropes 30 yards off his back foot, and this is a very, very good thing; the protection he’ll get means he may have to make throws with Marlon Favorite gnawing on his kneecaps.

Alabama at Tennessee. The third Saturday in October has enough hate-filled mythos built up around it without the added cachet of Alabama holding a No. 2 ranking going into the game. I think it would be better to just let an Alabama fan speak to what the rivalry means to him.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.