Barkley Gives Up Gambling, Inspires America

As you’ve probably heard or read by now, Charles Barkley had a solemn sitdown with Ernie Johnson last night on the Spurs/Hornets pre-game show to discuss his most recent gambling controversy. He assured Ernie that he’s paid the Wynn Las Vegas all the money he owes them and then added that there would be no more such controversies in his life. “I am not going to gamble anymore,” he said.
It was a bold proclamation that prompted a slew of similar resolutions from notorious misbehavers across the nation:

Roger Clemens: “I’m not going to do any of the bad stuff anymore of the sort that I may or may not have done before.”

Stuart Scott: “I’m not going to say “booyah” anymore. Honestly, I don’t even know what that means.”

John Daly: “I’m not going to eat candy bars anymore. It’s making my beer taste funny.”

Chuck Norris: “I’m not going to dish out any more righteous beatdowns. I’m an old man. It’s undignified for me to be beating people up all the time.

Jessica Alba: “I’m not going to wear clothes anymore. It’s a crime against humanity.”

Floyd Mayweather: “I’m not going to throw money at people anymore. It’s rude. What if I hit someone in the eye with that money?”

Bill Walton: “I’m not going to talk anymore, ever. It’s time.”

Justine Henin and Annika Sorenstam: “We’re not going to retire anymore. Retiring is for sissies and grandmas. We officially unretire. Who are we kidding anyway?”

Tony Parker: “Je ne passe plus le ballon à Ginobli. Il attire trop l'attention."

Drew Rosenhaus: “I’m not going to worship evil anymore in secret Satanic ceremonies in which I pledge allegiance to The One True Dark Master.”

Tina Fey: “I’m not going to pretend anymore that I have all this integrity and just admit that I want to be a shallow hottie sellout like all the other bimbos.”

Snoop Dogg: “I’m not going to drive my pimpmobile anymore. Gas prices are off the hizzle-dizzle. I’m getting a Prius.”

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.