I Can't Bring My Knife To The Olympics?

Remember, if someone writes a ridiculous rule down, it's because an even more ridiculous person made them write it by doing something phenomenally stupid.

For example, when we were in China there were large placards in train stations reading "DON'T BRING EXPLOSIVES ON TRAINS." Before you could even wonder "Wow, who'd bring explosives on a train...", the placards included helpful photos of people who had brought dynamite on trains, and then decided to do things like light up a cigarette, relax, and then drop the cigarette into the bag of explosives. If you want to know what the pictures looked like, take a jumbo can of tomato sauce, put it in the microwave, hit it for two minutes at high, and then run. Wait until you hear something explode, then run back into the kitchen and look around. They all looked exactly like that.

China obviously needs rules, and China just happens to be having the Olympics, so there's going to be lots of rules. But if you were expecting to sneak your pet chinchilla into the Games, we have sad news for you: they're banned, just like everything else including talking, sitting in a disrespectful manner, or thinking about Tibet while watching any Olympic events:

Banned items include guns, ammunition, crossbows, daggers, fireworks, flammable materials, corrosive chemicals and radioactive materials...musical instruments, oversized carry-on bags, suitcases, handbags, flags of countries and regions not participating either in the Olympics or Paralympics, flags more than two meters in length or one meter in height, banners, leaflets, posters and unauthorized professional videotaping equipment...knives, bats, long-handled umbrellas, long poles, animals (except for guide dogs), vehicles (except for strollers and wheelchairs), loudspeakers, radios, laser devices or wireless devices

Did you see flamethrower in there? I didn't think so.

So don't bring anything to the games except your flamethrower, which appears to be totally legal per these rules. If they ask about it, tell 'em you read it on the Sporting Blog. I'm sure they'll understand.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.