Wild Speculation: Mark Teixeira

Mark Teixeira is a switch hitting beast. He'll step in to your lineup, jack fifteen dingers down the stretch, and draw thousands of ethnic Portuguese to the ballyard. In theory. Also in theory, I'd be cool if I wore striped shirts, designer jeans and guzzled Red Bull and vodka. In theory.

The Bravos put Mr. Teixeira on the block this week, and it's our duty to determine where he could end up …

GRAND CANYON
As long as the D-Backs are willing to play Conor Freaking Jackson in left field and toss at-bats into Chad Tracy's suck, they'll be in the market for another first baseman. Already, they've revisited the Tony Clark experiment, and even Chris "I Was Supposed to Replace Craig Biggio" Burke has started games at first for them. ‘Zona's surplus of pitching prospects means they can offer up Max Scherzer (top pitching prospect in the org) and Wes Roemer (87/28 K/BB in High-A) for the opportunity to romp into the playoffs over middling NL West competition.

JOHN WAYNE AIRPORT
Once the Angels realize that Garrett Anderson is not The One, they could drop him on the curb with a "Free" sign around his neck, Tim Salmon style, and DH Teixeira regularly. Tony Reagins probably understands that he's better off swallowing the blue pill, realizing that the Angels can't compete in the playoffs with Anderson, Sarge Junior, and the ever OBP-challenged Toriiiiiiii Hunter batting after a no-longer-superhuman Vladi Daddy and a sputtering Casey Kotchman. The solution is simple: Offer Nick Green (90/36 K/BB in Triple-A), Reggie Willits (better than any OF the Braves have now), and Jose Arredondo (dude shot through the minors once he was converted to reliever), and the Braves get back three Major League players for the 2009 season, all of whom will be paid next to nothing.

MALL OF AMERICA
Outside of Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau, the Twins can't hit. Alexi Casilla's been a surprise, and Denard Span is reminding everyone why he was drafted ahead of Jeremy Guthrie, Jeff Francoeur, Joe Blanton, and Matt Cain way back in 2002, but hitting is still the biggest issue the Twinkies face. Which sucks if you're playing baseball. It's a minor miracle they're barely trailing the White Sox in the standings, so adding Teixeira to the DH slot and moving Kubel to right field, then relegating Craig Monroe and Michael Cuddyer to the bench, could be the difference in the division. The world deserves to see Boof Bonser in the headlines again, so I'm going to pretend the Braves would have interest in him, but more important, I think the Twins would be willing to drop the Francisco Liriano bomb. The tantalizing lefty is still a huge injury risk, and no one knows if even a move to the bullpen will allow him to actually play a whole season, so the Twins might be best off trading him for huge one-year gains, then offering Teixeira arbitration and reaping the compensatory draft picks.

But, really, there's only one place for Teixeira to go...

SPACE NEEDLE
Think about it. The Mariners just released Richie Sexson. DH and 1B are totally up for grabs in Seattle. King Felix plus Bedard plus Putz plus Ichiro plus Teixeira equals PROFIT! The M’s would have to give up Wladimir Balentien, Ryan Rowland-Smith (hyphens for everyone!), Jeff Clement, and maybe even Cesar Jimenez (reliever with 47/8 K/BB in Triple-A), but we all know it'd be worth the opportunity to sign Teixeira to a ten year contract. A lineup starting with Ichiro, Beltre, Teixeira, and Ibanez would be sweet and would totally overwhelm every other weakness on the squad. I'm calling it now: Make the trade and the presumptive 2009 World Series Champs would be in Seattle.

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