The Enumerative: Five Alternatives to 'Whole Lotta Love' for the Closing Ceremony

Welcome to our incredibly innovative feature, The Enumerative. Because lists are awesome, plus effective time killers, in this space we'll provide a top five based loosely on something that has recently occurred in the sporting world. ↵ ↵

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↵The symbolism was not lost on anyone, I imagine, in the London portion of last night’s Closing Ceremony when the Brits chose to have some Beyoncé knockoff (who apparently I’m supposed have heard of) wail her way through “Whole Lotta Love” while a very grey, but otherwise spry, Jimmy Page got the Led out stage left. ↵

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↵We get it London -- after the totalitarian spectacle of order and bombast in Beijing, when the British invade the Olympic Kingdom, only one commandment need be obeyed ... THOU SHALT NOT NOT ROCK! ↵

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↵Can we dig it? Oh behave. But you hepcats out there will have to forgive me for being such a drag to suggest that John Bull might have selected a better number to get the message across than the orgiastic lead track of Led Zep II. ↵

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↵5. Gang of Four singing any song: ↵The most punk rockenest band ever (maybe), the most influential band of the last ten years of white boy funk, and last but certainly not least, a band name that would certainly tell the Chinese powers-that-be where to stick it. My first choice for a song would be “Guns Before Butter” but with these guys the song is irrelevant. Maybe have them sing “Revolution” and really shake things up. ↵

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↵4. Mick and Keith – “Start Me Up”: ↵Come on -- what says "The Bleedin Bloody British Invasion" more than those two ruined faces? Jack Sparrow Sr. and The Awful Mick. It would have seemed truly rock n' roll amidst all of that horrendously grandiose crapola last night to have Mick and Keith pop out of like a big cake or summink that maybe said “Eat Me” and launch into “Start Me Up.” Mick jumping around like an idiot and Keith smoking and playing the song wrong. It would have been better than the Sex Pistols. ↵

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↵3. Wire – “Pink Flag”: ↵A bit of an obscure choice, but one of the seminal forgotten London punk bands, and the “Pink Flag” lyrics would been so appropriate to the atmosphere, with the slain ghosts of the Cultural Revolution hovering like moths to the Olympic flame ... “I was sold up the river to the red slave trade / The stories were gathered, the plans were laid / Synchronized watches at 18:05 / How many dead or alive… in 1955?” ↵

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↵2. David Bowie – “Rebel Rebel”: ↵Oh how righteous would this have been? Bowie in full “Aladdin Sane” garb ripping through “Rebs”? Hot gymnastics tramp ... I love you so. I’m having a rock n' roll catharsis just thinking about it: ↵

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↵1. Daltrey and Townshend – “Won’t Get Fooled Again”: ↵Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. Yeah cheers, innit. See you in twenty-twelve, suckers. ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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