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Shaq Will Retire in Exactly 735 Days

It's official. Shaquille O'Neal, he of the decaying body, decreased stamina, excess ego, and limited effectiveness, is not long for this league. How do I know? He told me so. He told us all so, and even gave us a number. It's like the End of Days and The Black Album rolled up in one. From an exclusive interview with CF13:
[O'Neal] intends to play out the remainder of his contract and then call it quits.

"My basketball career will be over in 735 days, and being an educated man, I've always had things to fall back on. So one of my options is law enforcement. But if Jerry Demings is going to be the sheriff I would love to work for him," O'Neal said.
Unlike Jay-Z, or Brett Favre, no one's going to be hankering for a Shaq-back (get it? like a "comeback" but TM-ed!), at least not at a rate that the Big Distraction can stomach. Plus, while he had a few good games for Phoenix and allowed Amare to further flourish, that team as a whole just looked off—including Nash—and their poor playoff showing proved it. That O'Neal's latest big splash came when he rudely called out Kobe for failing to win the Finals without him, a surefire sign of someone whose heart is already permanently on the late night show and celebrity charity circuit. It was like he'd forgotten that he too still had an active career that could be measured.

Speaking of which, he caught a few demerits, or lost some plastic badges, or whatever happens to those who bring shame to a token law enforcement position, when that uncouth rappin' made headlines. Maybe O'Neal's just realizing how far he's got to travel to get himself back on the path to sheriff-dom, and figures he can't afford to lose another minute. It's not like he's winning any additional rings, anyway.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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Yo Shaq, tell me how decline tastes!

- K. Bryant

by StetSportsBlog on Sep 11, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions  

Its too bad the bridge with the Lakers has been burned. He could have played his last season in LA coming off the bench. Can you imagine a Shaq -Bynum 2 headed monster??

by RaiderTom74 on Sep 11, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions  

I could NEVER see Shaq and his bloated ego coming off the bench. He would ruin the team by constantly whining to the press that he should start.

by ChiAdam on Sep 11, 2008 12:58 PM EDT reply actions  

RaiderTom74 | Thursday, September 11, 2008, 12:55 pm

Its too bad the bridge with the Lakers has been burned. He could have
played his last season in LA coming off the bench. Can you imagine a
Shaq -Bynum 2 headed monster??

Are you kidding me? Shaq old and washed up is better than Bynum will ever be. As far as Shaq declining, it kind of saddens me. I remember his first few years in the league and how dominating he was.

by Coach S on Sep 11, 2008 1:05 PM EDT reply actions  

RaiderTom74 | Thursday, September 11, 2008, 12:55 pm

Its too bad the bridge with the Lakers has been burned. He could have
played his last season in LA coming off the bench. Can you imagine a
Shaq -Bynum 2 headed monster??

Are you kidding me? Shaq old and washed up is better than Bynum will ever be. As far as Shaq declining, it kind of saddens me. I remember his first few years in the league and how dominating he was.

by Coach S on Sep 11, 2008 1:06 PM EDT reply actions  

Shaq might have decreased in output over the last few years, but he is still a better Big man in the middle than many of the other choices that are out there.  I will bet even money he will be back soon after retirment.  Any takers out there?

by Bakudon2001 on Sep 11, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions  

Can’t wait for him to retire. He got got a big mouth, I can’t stand him.

by BPC2434 on Sep 11, 2008 1:11 PM EDT reply actions  

Shaq’s law enforcment career is safe.  If Sir Charles can still say with a straight face that he wants to run for Gov of Alabama, Shaq can be a cop.

by kings33 on Sep 11, 2008 1:52 PM EDT reply actions  

You mean he is still playing????  I haven’t seen him (being a productive player) in 3 or 4 years.  I thought he retired long ago… oh, well.

by droachnola on Sep 11, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions  

Coming soon: The Big G’rilla Home Grill and Waffle Maker.

by ZeusPearl on Sep 11, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions  

Wait, Shaq still plays in the NBA?  I agree with droachnola.  This guy hasn’t actually played in the NBA for a few years.

by mattey31 on Sep 11, 2008 3:05 PM EDT reply actions  

finally……

by guiltyspark2 on Sep 11, 2008 4:50 PM EDT reply actions  

Shaq should have retired 3 years ago after winning his last championship with Miami.  After that season, he became a ball and chain for both the Heat and Suns offense.  The Suns had never looked so lothargic on offense until Shaqs arrival.  I didn’t realize that taking up space was such a valuable asset in the NBA.  Steve Kerr should been fired for the trade of Shaq for Marion.

by asaenz323 on Sep 11, 2008 5:57 PM EDT reply actions  

"

2.

RaiderTom74 | Thursday, September 11, 2008, 12:55 pm

Its too bad the bridge with the Lakers has been burned. He could have
played his last season in LA coming off the bench. Can you imagine a
Shaq -Bynum 2 headed monster??" 

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO !!!!!!!!!

If you look back on Shaq’s career he could have accomplshed MORE if he spent more time working on his game rather then being lazy.

Shaq caused all the strife at LA becasue he ralized that sooner or later Kobe was going to be the #1 guy on the team and he hated the idea.

All their conflict was caused by him. He should never go back to LA and he should never ever in a million years have his jersey retired from LA.

by sev13sev on Sep 11, 2008 6:19 PM EDT reply actions  

It’s sad that he’s so bad now compared to what he used to be untill a few years ago he was always the most consitantly dominate player since Jordan retired

by jaw17 on Sep 11, 2008 7:16 PM EDT reply actions  

It’s sad that he’s so bad now compared to what he used to be untill a few years ago he was always the most consitantly dominate player since Jordan retired

by jaw17 on Sep 11, 2008 7:16 PM EDT reply actions  

Wow, I cant even imagine the NBA without Shaq. 

by stevenchabot on Sep 11, 2008 9:04 PM EDT reply actions  

whatever we say and think shaq wiill always be a big part of the nba,

the way how he deals with the media, how he express himself , how his actions says it all for himself.

all in all through the years i see shaq as a kid who never grows up! his ego is so enormous that he cant seem to understand the term " your time will soon be over"

all this time i thought he got kobe bind in a emotional wreckage but all i see now is he is the one who is in shackles seeing kobe in his prime. he cant seem to have the right attitude and maturity that  one should be thinking what to do next and think of a glorious and respectful exit with what accomplishes and honor he has in the nba.

i cant imagine he would still feel he can influence a team like he had done before.

truth is, if he kept his head right and work hard he would be the most dominating big man nba has ever had, but look at it till now he struggles to get ft to go in all those years when he was young, i think as much as i think his been spoiled through the years in orlando and LA probably because they know they cant change the knucklehead and just use him the way he can. i mean his a dominating center then

so shaq get it on and make that last 20 million check of yours worth for us to say wow! thats the shaq we know.

by bywee on Sep 11, 2008 9:21 PM EDT reply actions  

Though he might be under contract for two more seasons, my guess is he won’t play many games in either.  His body is used up.  I loved the guy in his prime and never figured him for a guy that would hang on for the pay check.

by rope21 on Sep 12, 2008 7:08 AM EDT reply actions  

Perosnally I will be glad to see him go. I have never been a fan of Shaq ever. In his prime, in his younger days, whenever. I always felt Shaq had the same break Jordan did. Being the best around when other greats have gone past. Lakers, Celtics, and Pistons were pretty teams full of old men by the time the Bulls won championships. Same with Shaq. We have heard for years how dominant Shaq was. Where was this dominance against Olajawon, Ewing, Robinson, Mutombo, and to a lesser extent Duncan, basically any of the centers who were also great in the 90’s. When you can dominate Luc Longley, Sabonis, Dan Gadzuric, Raef Lafrentz, Erick Dampier, Magloire and the likes, how great can you actually be?

by biv10 on Sep 12, 2008 9:18 AM EDT reply actions  

GOOD BYE!!!! Leave now you lazy bumb or is your big toe still hurts so you sit out the season and still get paid???

by witskis on Sep 12, 2008 9:25 AM EDT reply actions  

GOOD BYE!!!! Leave now you lazy bumb or is your big toe still hurts so you sit out the season and still get paid???

by witskis on Sep 12, 2008 9:26 AM EDT reply actions  

Is Shaq an egomaniac?  What NBA player isn’t.  If you’re an NBA fan, you know all too well that ego plays a major part in being an NBA player.

So why all the bitterness?  He’s very similar to Charles Barkley, a large kid who never grew up that makes some funny comments, but also can be petulant.

Bottom Line – Shaq is arguably one of the best Centers to ever play the game, anybody who argues otherwise is just bitter or a Kobe apologist.  I don’t necessarily like his game because he got away with so much, but his off-court stuff never really was as bad as the me-first, blunt-burning, gun-packing, on court whiners that dominate the NBA at this time.  

Think about it for a second.  Who would have thought that an NBA player would want to be a cop?  That sure is different.

by fan82 on Sep 12, 2008 11:19 AM EDT reply actions  

Tim Duncan’s team have a higher winning percentage than Shaq and has been just as dominating (and is a better defender) without the flash and ego of Shaq. Give me TD over SO anyday!

by Rummpd on Sep 15, 2008 11:37 PM EDT reply actions  

People are actually blaming Shaq for ending the "dynasty" in Lakerland?
I can’t believe it. Did you people not read the Zen Master’s book? He blamed Kobe for their breakup. Kobe is the drama queen not Shaq. While I can’t stand either of those idiots, the NBA would be a better place without them. Kobe is a rapist no matter how you slice it. Shaq’s ego is as big as his body…enough said.
Find other players to look up to, not those two.

by dinatg on Sep 17, 2008 8:57 AM EDT reply actions  

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