Tony Stewart Really Has That Whole 'Southern Charm' Thing Down to a Science

Words by guest contributor Vince Grzegorek, who spends most of his time posting over at FirstCuts.

Penicillin and Valtrex aren't sponsors of Tony Stewart and his No. 20 Home Depot Toyota, but if this month's Rolling Stone feature on the controversial driver is any indication, maybe they should be.

To be clear, I know nothing about NASCAR and never watch it, but I do know that Stewart stirs the pot perhaps more than any other driver. You love him or hate him. After reading this profile though, I know that "Smoke" is hailed as a NASCAR throwback, one of the tough beer swillin' guys of yesteryear not afraid to speak his mind, throw a punch, tussle, or act like a complete jackass.

I also now know that he keeps Schlitz in his fridge, now travels with two cats, and used to travel with a pet monkey. Oh, and apparently his mom and dad are worried about how Stewart's off-the-track habits effect his genitalia.

The only thing Stewart enjoys more than a race car and a fight, it seems, is women. Over the course of a race weekend, he's approached by dozens of them, each more long-legged, doe-eyed and blond than the last. Inside the NASCAR bubble, these gals are called "pit lizards," and they prowl the inner sanctum at tracks throughout the year.

"My parents are afraid my [man-bit's] gonna rot off," Stewart says.

Their son's livelihood is fraught with the daily danger of death and serious injury, and yet the danger to his head, spine, neck, and body on the track is apparently nothing compared to the kind of danger posed to Little Stewie in the RV after the race.

It's easy to see why Stewart has put so many miles on his most important team member though, as evidenced by some smooth pickup Smoke uses on a pair of twentysomething pretties at a hotel.

At a late-night fuel stop during the flight to the Phoenix race, he meets two girls, who look to be in their early 20s, working the front desk at the airport lounge in Salina, Kansas.

"Take us with you, Tony?" one of them says as he grabs a chocolate-chip cookie from a tray on the counter.

"Depends," he says, taking a bite. "You gals 18 yet?"

"Why you want to know that?" one girl asks.

"Well, we ain't just flying up there, darling," he says, winking at me. "We'll be taking pictures and hanging out and all sorts of stuff."

"Aww, Tony," singsong the girls.

Later, Stewart puts his life into succinct perspective: "[Women], money and race cars. That's pretty much all I care about."

Hold on, is Tony a NASCAR driver or a rapper?

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.