The Enumerative: Genetic Engineering Hot List

The news that Tiger Woods and his wife Elin are expecting their second child brings to mind a thought that’s occurred to me before about the burgeoning Woods family -- these are going to be some of the most genetically perfect children ever to walk the planet.

But ... BUT ... do they crack the All-Time Fantasy Top Five Genetic Engineering Hot List? Well, you’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?

5. Derek Jeter/Jessica Alba. This fantasy duo for the production of genetically perfect offspring might have landed at numero uno on my list, were it not for a certain defect they most likely would have handed down the family tree.

4. Joe D/Marilyn Monroe. Can you imagine what this kid would have looked like? Emotionally he or she would have been a mess, but physically ... the mind boggles. I try to picture in my mind the hottest, most graceful person imaginable and then my mind shuts down and I have to reboot and start over.

3. Mike Tyson/Robin Givens. Here is a frightening thought. The Tyson/Givens hate child. If the kid got Givens’ looks and brains and Tyson’s fury, well, we might be dealing with a “Kneel Before Zod” type situation before too long. I’m thinking some twisted mélange of Training Day Denzel, Kimbo Slice and Idi Amin. Then again, if it was vice versa, if the kid got Tyson’s looks and brains and Givens’ fury, well ... you know, it’s pretty friggin scary either way.

2. Brangelina. Sometimes it seems like all of history has been evolving towards this union of Insanely Ridiculous Hotness. They’ve spawned three children together already and who knows how many more they’ll crank out. Something tells me they’re secretly hoping to repopulate the earth and end the scourge of ugliness that has plagued mankind since we first crawled out of the swamp.

1. Julius Caesar/Cleopatra. This was a pretty obvious chart-topper. I mean, we’re talking the ORIGINAL gangsta here, the real J.C., the undisputed ruler of the Roman Empire, the man who crossed the Rubicon, and on and on and on ad infinitum. And as for the Queen of Egypt, the rumor is that she was so stupid fine and on the whole so nasty with her charms that they had to get Elizabeth Taylor to play her in a movie. These two actually did have a child, known as Caesarion, but we never really got what kind of damage he could do because Octavian had him strangled. I bet he would have been a stone-cold mack, though.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.