World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party Loses Traditional 60 Oz. Plastic Football Beers, Freedom

This nation was founded on ideals, namely Puritan ones about being miserable all the time while waiting for an angry god to strike you down at any second. Fortunately for the rest of us, other people came along, people who liked freedom and beer served in ever-larger containers. You have a word for these people: patriots.

Sadly, after the accidental and random deaths of two people this century at the Florida/Georgia game in Jacksonville, Puritans blame demon rum again for their troubles. This is what fascism looks like, dear reader:

In addition, vendors will be banned from selling alcohol in containers larger than 20 ounces. Nudge said they had sold alcohol in novelty containers, such as plastic footballs, that were as large as 60 ounces.

“It’s just not necessary,” she said. “You do not need something that large.”

Excuse me, Ms. University Spokesperson. Who are you to say I don’t need a plastic football that holds 60 ounces of beer, or a Baconator with extra beef, or an Expedition that sags like fat love handles over the belt loops of a parking space? America is about letting stupid people choose their own method of dying, lady, and we’ll be damned if you’ll stand in our way.

(Admittedly, we will be too out of breath after a minute of tussling to continue, but we’ll try.)

Alcohol sales will also be limited at the Landing now, meaning people will now just bring their own booze, not inject money into the local economy, and get drunk not on the flat ground of the Landing, but in parking lots and garages where they may be hit by cars. Planning! No, genius!