World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party Will Hew To Its Name

In addition, vendors will be banned from selling alcohol in containers larger than 20 ounces. Nudge said they had sold alcohol in novelty containers, such as plastic footballs, that were as large as 60 ounces.

“It’s just not necessary,” she said. “You do not need something that large.”

Cocktails do not come in 60-ounce plastic footballs, even if you're in New Orleans at 3 a.m. They come in martini glasses or, if we're being generous about the definition of the word "cocktail," preposterously long plastic things containing "grenades" or "ninja stars" or "panty-bombs" or something.

Orson suggests that Cocktail Party attendees will just bring their own liquor, which will no doubt be mixed into preposterous concoctions of lethal potency in tiny glasses, as the English language demands. The other option is that people will just purchase three containers of alcohol and put it in a sled. They must have sleds in Florida, right? And they're not being used as God intended, so they might as well be deployed for the devil's purposes.

Until such time as Georgia athletic director Damon Evans succeeds in his quest to rename the thing the "World's Largest Outdoor Family Fun Night With Parcheezi, sponsored by Parker Brothers," that is.

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