Oct 19, 2009 - A is for Agnostics. This is no season for the college football monotheist. With Florida abandoning the position of Leviathan 2009, eschewing all that effective scoring in the redzone from last year in favor of field goals and turnovers, the battle of titans gives way to a scrum of midgets. Alabama boasts malicious defense and hard running, but has essentially the same passing attack from 2008 (minus John Parker Wilson's zany, ineffective scrambling and sun-bleached bangs). No matter who you are, Iowa will beat you by only three points, be you a Big Ten rival or Sun Belt cupcake, and do so in sloppy but vicious fashion. Texas has visible cracks in their offense. USC has already lost a game, and we're not ready to say beating Notre Dame means anything right now (even if Matt Barkley looked like the second coming of Drew Brees in that game).

When even the consensus number one has fans wondering where their QB's performance in a victory ranks among the worst of all-time, you know you have a quality dwarf fight on your hands.

B is for Buffalo, Interrupted. The freefall of Colorado halted Saturday night when the Buffalo beat Kansas 34-30, breaking their long fall on the plush, giving flesh of Mark Mangino and the Jayhawks. As promising as the victory may seem, Colorado fans should note: the win falls well within the definition of "Colorado's one shocking upset they always pull on the year," as they were outgained 322-423 and had their share of appalling play, including giving up a 41 yard pass on 3rd and 29. Coach Dan Hawkins only got these kind of results thanks to Kansas turnovers and the benching of his son, Cody Hawkins, at quarterback in favor of Tyler Hansen. That had to be a delightful conversation on the way home: Son, this is a growth opportunity for you, and by that I mean significant weight gain so you can grow into a backup fullback or something other than a quarterback.

C is for Curles. Now, mind you, Mark Curles' crew doesn't deserve to be shot, beaten, or run out of town on a rail for their terrible calls in both the Arkansas/Florida and LSU/Georgia game. Tarring and feathering would be acceptable, or at least a light dusting with newspaper scraps follwing an even coat of mucilage applied to their bodies. Curles and his crew have now taken two nationally televised SEC games on CBS and played a significant role in their outcomes on fishy calls. 

The pass interference call was a judgment call. The unsportsmanlike call, however, is pure insanity.

A billion dollar collegiate sports league should have some money for better officiating.

D is for Daps. Daps and terrorist fist jabs to Matt Barkley for his 19/29, 367 yards, and 2 TD performance against Notre Dame. Practice like that will serve him when he has to go live against a real secondary soon in the Pac-10. Additional daps to Mark Ingram of Alabama for a Bryant-Denny record 242 yards against South Carolina, the only real clear frontrunner for the Heisman thanks to whatever malaise has affected 2008's three-headed qb monster, Mr. Colt Tebowford of Oklatexaflorida.

E is for Expiration Date. Mike Sherman: 6 weeks and counting. Ron Zook: three months and a necessary bloodletting on the offensive side of the ball, one he may or may not cooperate with when the time comes.

F is for Failed State. Six weeks may be time for Texas A&M to hit new and exciting lows. The possibilities boggle:  100 points allowed to Texas Tech, giving up four safeties in a game, bringing in Zack Galifianakis for an exorbitant speaking fee to see if he can deliver an even less-motivating halftime speech to the troops than charisma-free Mike Sherman. For a solid decade TAMU has been off the map, a solid ten years of horrible football getting so much worse with each passing year that we've now outstripped all adjectives to describe it. There were the upsets of Texas in 2006 and 2007, and nothing else to mark a solid decade of mismanagement and inexplicable mediocrity. Like the state of Liberia, one minute they were there as a solid nation-state of college football, and then everything caught fire. Men in blue helmets may have to be called in to patrol the football offices in the offseason until things settle down a bit, because this is college football's biggest failed state at the moment after a 62-14 rout by Kansas State. Transitively, the Aggies just lost to the University of Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns.

G is for Glee. Dancing Jimmy Clausen's unsportsmanlike penalty call finally put an end to Clausen's one-man rampage of arm-pumping and hollering after big plays. Children, sleep tight in your beds now. When Tebow gets hit with one next week, we will know that the Great War Against Enthusiasm and Youthful Exuberance has truly turned.

H is for Hangover. Auburn may still be hungover from their loss to Kentucky, or Chris Todd, hypnotized for a few weeks by Tiger operatives into thinking he was Jason Campbell, came to in the midst of the Arkansas game and realized he was, in fact, Auburn qb Chris Todd, he of the perpetually busted shoulder and mediocre pass rating. Todd only passed for 80 yards in the game while Kentucky still managed to win despite throwing for even less with 70 yards total production from their second and third string qbs. Where's our SEC homer voice...we put it around here somewhere...

SEC homer: Another fine SEC defensive struggle, brought to you by the SEC/ESPN/CBS

I is for incompatible. Mack Brown may have a case in stating that if Texas/OU had been an SEC game it would have received the "defensive struggle" treatment, but it would have been inaccurate either way for different reasons if someone had dared go out on that particular limb. OU and Texas played some miserable football this weekend, a random collection of fumbles, missed tackles, interceptions, missed protections, sacks taken running full speed backward into a 15 yard hole, sloppy special teams play, and Colt McCoy having the worst winning game of his career, averaging only 3.3 yards a completion in an effort more resembling a running back's numbers than a qb's. The computers do not look kindly on Texas, either: despite being undefeated Texas ranks sixth in the BCS rankings, a noise tripping the alarm for Mack Brown to being doing his annual softshoe for BCS votes. The man's got rhythm!

J is for Jarring. Cincy's just on one of those streaks where even their backup comes in and rips off a 75 yard run for a backbreaking TD.

Nick Collaros may have taken what feels like ten minutes to get down the field there, presumably due to USF's players being shocked at what was happening in front of them. In any other case we would say that Tony Pike's sprained left wrist would keep him out, but Pike played all of last year with a broken left arm and led Cincy to the Big East Championship and the Orange Bowl, so a measly shifted plate in his arm can't possibly stop him. That would require amputation, and even then Pike might be able to come in and pick up a few snaps if needed as long as you get him a light, stylish fake arm by kickoff.

K is for Kalashnikov. Free-fire barely covers the totals of the Arizona/Stanford game, a 43-38 free-fire zone ending only when Cardinal qb Andrew Luck ran out of bullets on a 4th down incompletion on the final drive. 1,137 yards of offense: aaaahhhh, let's take a sip of that. Oh, we'd know that aroma anywhere--it's a Pac-10 '92, and we can't believe you found a bottle of it for this price.

L is for Liberty. The sweet freedom we Americans all enjoy. Some of us take it farther than others. Boston College running back Montel Harris was positively libertarian in this respect against NC State, running for 264 yards on 27 carries and scoring 5 TDs in glorious Patriotvision for the Eagles in a 52-20 victory over reeling NC State. BC now stands atop the Atlantic Division of the ACC. Their counterpart in the Coastal? Virginia, they of the loss to D-1AA William and Mary. This is your reminder that the ACC is an insane place where everyone ends up either 7-5 or 5-7.

M is for Maladroit Florida fumbled four times against Arkansas, but the greatest drop in Florida's game overall has come in the redzone. The team ranking first in the SEC last year has fallen to 8th in the conference overall in redzone efficiency, an anemia too great to be explained by the loss of one player, even one like Percy Harvin. Something seems askew in the coaching: either Tebow's head is too full of options, or the options simply aren't there, or Florida's decided to run the dive play with a 175 pound running back as their base play, or Urban simply got tired of the boredom of winning games by three scores and wanted the thrill of nearly losing. Whatever happens, it looks like a 2002 Big Ten offense at work, and not a particularly good one at that, something the ever-discontented coach will have to remedy if they want to stand a chance against Alabama in Atlanta (if--IF--they make it.)

N is for Not for Human Consumption. If you watched the Delaware State/Michigan game on Saturday, you have embroiled yourself in a budding controversy over the sale and distribution of materials depicting animal cruelty. You did this simply by watching even a second of Delaware State taking a hefty check for being beaten to a bloody pulp by the Wovlerines. Michigan had 727 yards and no punts in a crush film of a game, something you would only watch all the way through if you were a.) a deviant or b.) if you were a Michigan fan. (And no, Ohio State fans: those two terms are NOT mutually inclusive.) 

O is for Overdrafted. The loss to Purdue by Ohio State may end up being more damaging than any of the BCS losses were as far as general consumer confidence in Jim Tressel as the once and future leader at Ohio State, and for one reason: all poltiics are local. Tressel was fine in the long run as long as he delivered in the Big Ten and beat Michigan year in and year out. Losing to LSU, Texas, and Florida was cosmetic, with easy myths to build around each in explanation. ("Comeback Thwarted," "One Bad Play," and "The Long Layoff," respectively.) Losing to Purdue, a one win team coming into the game, is irreparably damaging without some adjustments. The real damage from this game may not be felt until well down the road when Buckeye fans cringe and remember the instant the Sweatervest began to bear a more than passing resemblance to John Cooper, a moment that happened sometime around the moment when Purdue went up 23-7 on them in the third.

P is for Pink. Brent Musburger wore a magenta shirt with yellow tie for the Red River Shootout. If you looked at it head on in HD it made a piercing high G and scorched unshielded eyeballs. We're hoping this class-action lawsuit we're filing against the tie and the network really pays off like we think it will.

Q is for Quash. Anyone who watched 28-21 game between a victorious but unimpressive Boise and Tulsa immediately after the game: "Man, Boise doesn't belong in the top 10." Anyone revisiting that game after watching every other top ten team struggle in various ugly ways this weekend: "Boise has as much claim as anyone right now for a BCS berth, because everyone else is playing like crap, too." Quash any thoughts of an 800 pound gorilla emerging to rule the roost at the moment, because college football on the whole is a capuchin brawl, not a swinging battle of heavyweight primates.

R is for Rocket, Rocked. Rocket Ismail was quite excited at the pregame pep rally before the USC game.

Rocket Ismail can't be blamed for the loss against USC. If the resulting cloud of hype was allowed to play safety against USC, we'd all be talking about the astonishing upset of the Trojans, and how the hype-cloud had three picks, 8 tackles, and a forced fumble in the defensive performance of the day.

S is for Stung Kudos and chants of BEEEEEEEES all around for Josh Nesbitt, the Georgia Tech qb who after a year and a half in Paul Johnson's system has become one of his more productive qbs, all too happy now to quickly take the ball off the option and run to open territory with it. His willingness to run the ball late into the teeth of the Hokie defense ended a very tight contest with Virginia Tech after the Hokies D honed in on Jonathan Dwyer's dives and the pitch plays that had been so successful for the Yellow Jackets against Florida State. He has improved each week following the debacle at Miami, and is due all the pollen he can consume for his manly efforts. BEEEEEEEEEES.

T is for Twitching. South Carolina wideout Moe Brown made the unmistakable fetal pose with involuntary twitching indicating a complete knockout late in the Alabama/South Carolina game after an unintentional and extremely nasty double hit by Alabama defensive backs on a pass play, bringing our running total of players we've seen knocked completely out on the field to three this year. That's three too many, even though Spurrier said the hit was clean, and took pains to compliment Alabama's sportsmanship and tidy play; 

"I tell you, Alabama's a very clean team," Spurrier said. "After watching the tape, a lot of guys could've taken hard shots at Stephen right as he threw the ball, but they sort of veered off and didn't clobber him near as badly as maybe some other teams do."

That has to be a veiled shot at someone, but let's focus on the positives and note Stephen Garcia's astonishing toughness in the face of a season-long beating he is taking at quarterback. Even after getting blackjacked by Bama's defense all night, Garcia hobbled back under center snap after snap without complaint despite five sacks and a clearly dinged leg.

U is for Unconscionable. The word describing whatever happened to Washington at the end of their game with Arizona State:

It would be nice to ask Washington defensive coordinator Nick Holt what happened to leave not one, but two ASU receivers wide open in the endzone in an obvious Hail Mary scenario, but Holt failed to show up for the press conference while head coach Steve Sarkisian openly admitted to mismanaging the clock in the final seconds of the game. Washington, in case you haven't noticed, leads the nation in heart attacks given after the late decisions in the  Notre Dame, USC, LSU, and Arizona State games. The ever-wealthier cardiologists of the Greater Northwest thank you for your contributions, Huskies

V is for Vandalism. Robb Akey has the Vandals at 6-1, turning the November 14th game in Boise against in-state rival Broncos into a can't miss game with BCS implications. Yes, we just typed "Idaho" "Boise State," and "BCS implications" in the same sentences without some kind of negating phrase in there. If the year follows its current pattern, this game will be played in a driving rain of frogs and ball lightning.

W is for Wannstache Watch. I won money on an actual legal bet involving cash on Dave Wannstedt. How can something so wrong feel so right? That marks the first time I've ever taken a bet on Pitt to win, and has now converted me wholeheartedly into a Pitt wagerer. This is your sign to bet on the other team, because nothing that feels this dirty and wonderful can last.

X is for XIV. Fourteen in Roman numerals, or the astonishing number of people who rushed the ball for the TCU Horned Frogs in a 44-6 win over Colorado State. Their leading rusher only had 47 yards on two carries, undoubtedly the weirdest rushing line of the year to date.

Y is for Yuppie. I ordered Salmon Tartare at the sports bar at Lagasse's in the Palazzo in Las Vegas. When you do this amidst a crew of other yuppiesh people and get filthy looks, you know you've entered some completely new stratosphere of yuppiehood. If you'll excuse us, we've got to go purchase overpriced organic produce at our local Whole Foods while driving our Mini and listening to NPR. (At this rate, we will wake up one day clad in Virginia Cavalier gear with no memory of what happened or how we got there. Just like Al Groh waking up from the month-long nap he takes to begin the season before fighting back to eight games and a bowl berth.)

Z is for Zidane

Nicely done, Jonathan Nelson. Marco Materazzi couldn't have taken a smoother dive.