Let’s get this World Cup off to a rousing start. Who’s got the machete?

Zolani Mkiva, chairman of the Makhonya Royal Trust, a grouping responsible for co-ordinating cultural activities, said the tournament, the first to be held in Africa, needed to be blessed in true “African style.”

“We must have a cultural ceremony of some sort, where we are going to slaughter a beast (cow),” said Mkiva.

It should be stressed that Mkiva is not an offical World Cup bureaucrat, but is instead one of the myriad leaders attached to groups working in South Africa with the World Cup. UEFA head Sepp Blatter doesn’t want to kick off games by slitting a cow’s throat, though Cristiano Ronaldo might if he thought it would be good for his skin.

For the record, officials “have not yet responded” to the request to perform ceremonies like this at all ten World Cup venues. Good call, officials.

(If you have the stomach for it there’s video of what this would look like here. If you’re wondering if you have the stomach for it…you don’t, trust me. Seriously, you’ve been warned.)