This Week In Schadenfreude: Oct. 26

A lot of crazy stuff happened this weekend and much pain is below; picking the absolute worst thing to go down this weekend was tough. But I think having the #1 team in the country on the ropes but losing because a 400-pound defensive tackle blocked two fourth-quarter field goals, one as time expired, has got to be more painful than even Michigan State's gut-punch-with-flair. So congratulations, Tennessee, you win the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness, and for good reason:

I'm Just Heartbroken

By ghostofneyland, on October 24th, 2009

I'm at a loss for words. Just sick.

...I mean, we are SUPPOSED to make those kicks. We didn't. We squandered three kicks - any of which could have beaten the No. 1 team in the nation, our biggest rivals. I still can't believe it.

I just don't know what to say.

In my heart, I believe the Vols played to win the game and should have won. We did everything right most of the time, but it just simply wasn't enough. We had several costly penalties, and the Tide had one stinking penalty all day, but that's not an excuse. You can't expect to get calls in Tuscaloosa. The refs weren't the reason Tennessee lost the game. Tennessee's kicker was.

...This coaching staff, this team, this program is headed in the right direction. There have been fewer times in my life that I've been prouder to be a Tennessee Vol. There have also been fewer times in my life that I've been more depressed.

That's a mature, reasonable response from a classy fan. This is not:

You run another play and you throw an interception or they throw another flag on us -- I wasn't going to let the refs lose the game for us there and some magical flag appear.

You might have gotten tipped off by the first person: this isn't some kid with an XBox and NCAA 10, it's Lane Kiffin. Kiffin also complained about Cody ripping his helmet off with the ball still live, which should have been a 15-yard penalty, and set himself up for what will be a meaningless fine from Mike Slive:

"I'm sure we'll get one of those letters that really means nothing as Bobby got last week, but Florida and Alabama live on," Kiffin said.

Lane, your tears are so yummy and sweet. The rest of the week in spleen after the jump.

ACC

Maryland is this year's Syracuse, I think, a team that evidently sucks and would be totally uninteresting but for the valiant efforts of the team-affiliated blogosphere to cope by posting either crying babies or rants in the aftermath of losses to Duke. Yes, in football:

Oh, were you thinking Duke is up this year? Bzzzzt. No they're not. They're still Duke. Duke sucks. F--- Duke. If they make a bowl game then I'm Shirley Chisholm.

As for Maryland, I'm just searching for a phrase right now. What's the phrase I'm looking for...noodle d---s? No, that's too mean. I wouldn't want to call these guys noodle d---s in a forum that is at least technically public. If I were to call them noodle d---s, which they are, that would be an insult to The Kids. You gotta respect The Kids. Especially the kind of kids that bench 250 and run 4.5 forties.

Oh, wait, I've got the phrase now. Losers.

It's nice down here with us losers, isn't it? Sometimes, they drop a bucket of fish heads on us. That's when we party!

I assume the last sentence is a reference to a movie starring someone who used to be on Saturday Night Live, but prefer not to know in case the Terps' season has driven Shell Games so mad with rage that incoherent spittle about fish heads is the sanest stuff they can offer up.

Elsewhere in the League that Logic Forgot, we have what I think is a first in the history of TWIS: posts from both sides of a single game. Here's Clemson blog Sporting Gnomes early in the contest:

3rd & 49

Yes. That happened. FML.

It happened after a 20-yard sack, a holding call and a clipping penalty. It was followed by a punt. Despite that, Clemson actually won the game, thanks in large part to a C.J. Spiller kickoff return touchdown with less than a minute left in the first half, without which Clemson probably wouldn't have gotten to overtime and beaten Miami.Then Canespace wouldn't have had to reference Bon Jovi:

Shot Through The Heart And You're To Blame

U give love a bad name.

Miami's stunning, saddening loss to Clemson on Saturday at The Shark broke the hearts of Hurricane fans everywhere. For those who made the trek from near and far to show their love for the team wearing orange and green, all they could do when the game was finally over was to file out of Landshark Stadium in shock (and some even in tears) after the overtime loss to the Tigers.

That description does not conform to my expectations for Miami fans. The comments do:

He couldn't make any adjustments to stop this whack a-- attack that Clemson has? Come the F on dude you suck and any of you homers on here who want to call me out go ahead!!!

There's also the guy who spells "f---" with two Ks. I detect a strong Juggalo presence in the Miami fanbase.

BIG TEN

It wasn't a good week for college football in the state of Michigan. Penn State's pounding of Michigan caused the previously fairly happy Michigan fanbase to revert to the warring camps they lived in last year. I sort of called the complainers dumb at the home base, but Geniunely Sarcastic took it a lot farther. For the purposes of this column we'll appropriate not the riposte but the inanity fisked:

This team is terribly coached. The losses don't bother me as much as the certain knowledge of how badly coached this team is. I chuckle at the 'three things' did this team in notion (followed by an article which categorizes 60+ crappy plays into three things).

This team is terrible at the fundamentals, haphazard in terms of scheme, pathologically deficient on special teams, and simply sloppy at every position on the field. They look like just the sort of crap can team that would spike a ball on 3rd down with ten ticks left on the clock. ...

I never thought this would be the case. UM is terribly coached. And today, they reverted so far, that just like game after game last year, they quit.

I apologize for this. I will not post regularly because I don't want to become that guy. But as for this coach - I no longer believe he can produce a Big Ten Quality team.

As always on the internet, "terribly coached" means "played poorly."

I think it was actually worse for Michigan State, though, which for the third time this year experienced a face-crushing loss. First, it was Central Michigan getting a second chance at a game-winning field goal. Then it was Kirk Cousins throwing a horrible interception a play after overthrowing a wide-open receiver by ten yards for a game-winning touchdown. This weekend it was a last-second slant by Marvin McNutt four plays after Stanzi threw an interception that was called back by defensive holding. That is life as a Michigan State fan. It's not the losing. It's not even losing in a conventional heart-wrenching fashion. It's the extra bit of flair that Michigan State seems to tack on two or three times a year. Don't take my word for it:

It's 1:00 PM on October 25, 2009. I'm driving down Collingwood to head to the Engineering Building to write an article. The following questions are in my head: When has a prevent defense ever worked? Why couldn't MSU score a touchdown with a first and goal from the one? And most of all, why do these losses always seem to happen to Michigan State?

See? Later, or earlier, or ... well ...

It's 10:45 PM on October 24, 2009. I'm numb. Speechless. Confused. Dazed. This is not a new feeling.

It's 2:20 PM on October 25, 2009. Somebody just asked someone else how the game was last night. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AND THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO SMALL TALK.

The article's conceit is a little confusing, but if you can get over the time shifts, it's actually an excellent insight into the psyche of Michigan State's particular fanbase. If you, Louisville fan, need a pick-me-up, this is the article to hit.

One last bit before moving on. Another writer on that blog takes issue with the picture -- McNutt bringing in the winner -- and a third writer chimes in:

Revel in the pain

because one day ... well, I don't know, we'll become inoculated against the pain? Like those guys who spray mace in their own eyes to become resistant to it?

These are your hopes, Spartan football fans. At least there's always basketball and its ability to make you think about things other than "sharp objects."

BIG EAST

Um. South Florida. Um:

Your sad......
Try being a USF fan and a Dolphins fan this weekend..... Im about ready to jump off the Skyway

No, that's not the um. This is:

YES.. I had to unload my wife's gun and hide the bullets. She is from Miami and took this weekend even harder than I....

I hope you hid them in the birthday cake. This guy's wife aimlessly hearing the hammer click down again and again is our Scott Tenorman of the Week.

BIG 12

One of my other gigs is running the Blogpoll, which is basically an AP/Coaches' poll for bloggers. In an effort to keep homerism to a minimum, the poll tracks how much people overrate their own teams and awards them a sarcastic trophy named for a couple of hilariously biased folk, one on the right (Ann Coulter), one on the left (Kos). Recipients of this award are almost always freakin' doomed, and Nebraska dominated it for two straight weeks -- huge margins, bye week, more huge margins -- but escaped punishment with a win over Missouri. Well, now we know the CK Award likes its revenge served cold:

Eight (8!) - A Musing...

17 comments so far October 24, 2009 by Darren K. Carlson

Saturday afternoon's game was ridiculous. The number 8 just keeps rattling around in my head. The images of all those turnovers replay in my mind. It's enough to make you crazy. Sometimes, the only way to stay sane is to laugh. If you can't find a way to laugh at it yourself or tough times, you are cooked. ...

If you were wondering how many turnovers it would take for NU to lose to ISU at home...well, now you know.

I was watching another football game today. And on one drive, they didn't fumble the ball. I was like, "hey, what's the deal? Shouldn't they fumble?"

Do not screw with this thing.

BONUS. Signs of adulthood: voting, dying in a war and now getting criticized by guys on the internet:

Bill Kerr Oct 25 09

Niles Paul just kills me.
Incredibly gifted athlete... but an incredibly stupid football player.

I know it isn't seen as cool to bag on 20 year-old kids, but if they are old enough to die in war...

Elsewhere on the Big Red Network, a pithy summation of Nebraska's fate in the 21st century:

Psychologically, it's hard not to call this whole decade over and start thinking about 2010.

PAC 10

After each UCLA loss, this column turns its lonely eyes to Bruins Nation in anticipation of a spittle-flecked response akin to the ones that were so entertaining in the last days of the Karl Dorrell regime. To date it's been disappointed. But what's this? Is it a demand in a headline?

Big Picture Thoughts: Rick Neuheisel Needs To Deliver (At Least) 6 Wins In 2009

It is! Surely the worm must be turning after a two-touchdown loss to Arizona:

Years of mismanagement and I would submit total neglect from the UCLA administration has our football program the state it is in right now. It is not going to get easier any time soon.

I fully expect us to lose next weekend as well as we will probably see the two Kevins flail away leading an impotent offense, while the Bruin defense will probably get run around and marched on with easy as they look hapless (and kind of hopeless) under their coaches' not so inspiring bend-don't break boring schemes. ...

The expectations for this season remains the same. Neuheisel and his coaches need to bring home 6 wins. If he tries to spin anything less than that as a successful season, we are going to LOL at him or anyone else who tries to spin it as success.

It is. Root against UCLA the rest of this year, and ye shall be rewarded.

SEC

Auburn's hot start has foundered spectacularly, with the latest indignity a 31-10 hammering at the hands of LSU that The War Eagle Reader calls an "abysmal, soul-wrecking performance" and possibly the "single worst effort by an Auburn football team in years." One-time genius savior Gus Malzahn is now veering towards Tony Franklin II:

It may be too early to declare that offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn's system will not translate to SEC play, but if you can't write it in ink you can definitely jot it down it in pencil. ...

You could make a case that, five-win string aside, Auburn's offense under Malzahn is currently even less effective than it was under the heckled Tony Franklin. His performance was considered so bad he was ejected from the program in mid-season and suffered the ignominy of the media snapping photos of him carting his belongings to his car after being summarily booted.

Really? Really, we want to broach another midseason coordinator axing after last year's went so well? Chris Todd remains Chris Todd, and even if Malzahn's magic fairy wand ran out of dust after six games, just getting to six games with it is something of a minor miracle when your quarterback's favorite pass trajectory is something out of Scorched Earth.

The verdict, no sugar coat:

Auburn is simply a bad football team. There's no way to sugar coat it.

Elsewhere in Auburn misery, the calls for the other coordinator are starting:

Fire Ted Roof PLEASE!

I would like to know the true reason for the hire of Chizik. I believe as academics we can handle the truth. [Ed: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.] I know we will never know the truth of the Tuberville firing for if we did too many heads would roll. However this Chizik and Roof coaching staff is such an insult to the entire memory and institution as a whole I demand that Auburn fire Jay Jacobs, Chizik and for God's sake get rid of that loser Ted Roof.

As long as Jay Jacobs is athletic director at Auburn, they will be a 3rd tier football program. We are the 3rd oldest football club in the world for those of you who don't know. Auburn is not a training club for offensive and defensive coordinators and we are certainly not a training program for head coaches. If I could have a face to face with Jay Jacobs I would tell him he is at best incompetent and at worst a liar. When will the GAF stop funding and demand for the departure of Jacobs, Chizik, Malzahn and Roof?

Maybe Auburn should fire a coach and coordinator every year until they get really, really good. I'm pretty sure that will work.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.