The Invention of Lying: NBA Truisms

Last night, I had the chance to catch a movie I knew nothing about, and even though I was going in blind, I had a good feeling. Generally, when you see a movie without expectations, there’s a good chance you’re going to leave the theater impressed with at least some aspect of the movie you just saw. The only exception to this rule, naturally, involves Tyler Perry. "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" was not impressive at all and that’s a Wednesday afternoon that I’ll never get back.

In any case, I saw "The Invention of Lying" knowing only that Ricky Gervais wrote it, that he’s British and well-respected within comedy circles, and that British people and Canadian people are typically hilarious. That was my only pretense. And sure enough, I was in for a fun surprise.

The movie’s concept is that Gervais’ main character, Mark Bellison, lives in a society that’s yet to discover the concept of lying. And when you think about it, the premise is fairly brilliant. Like, there are a million different directions you could take things, and most of ‘em would be hilarious.

To Gervais’ credit, he takes it in the most audacious direction possible (satirizing religion) without straining too much or making an ass of himself. That’s because he’s British, you see. An American comic could never joke about religion without making some sort of dick joke involving Jesus. (Funny, but still). And while the movie certainly lagged at various points, on the whole I enjoyed it. And again, the concept alone gets an A+ for creativity.

What if everyone—people, companies, places—compulsively told the truth? All the time.

Some examples from the movie.

An Advertisement: "Pepsi: When they don’t have Coke."

Jennifer Garner, meeting her blind date: "I’m a little frustrated at the moment. Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. I’ve actually been dreading it all day."

Gervais: "I’m 40 years-old, but I really have no financial assets to speak of. In fact, I think I’m on the verge of getting fired."

A Retirement Home is instead called: "Sad and Depressing Place Where Old People Go to Die"

Gervais’ secretary, after he’s been fired: "Well, Mark, I’ve loathed nearly every minute I’ve worked for you and I’m glad you’re leaving. Hope to never see you again."

You get the point. People tell the truth. And I thought it’d be interesting to see what the NBA would look like if everyone—players, teams, arenas—did the same thing...

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Target Center (Minnesota): Place where the Timberwolves, Wild, and Lynx play. Come see our great concerts!

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Kevin Garnett: The knee is fine, yo.

Other Celtics players: Yo, Kev’s knee is f---ed up!

Glen "Big Baby" Davis: Yo f--- Kevin's knee. I gotta get mine.

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Reebok Advertisement: We make the jerseys, you know? Ugh… Fine: When they don’t have Nikes.

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Verizon Center (DC): Where Alex Ovechkin Plays (Also see: Wizards, Washington)

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Replacement Ref #1: I don’t care who it is, that’s a foul, and I’m calling it. These NBA politics don’t apply to ME.

Replacement Ref #2: (whispers) You know Dwyane’s got 5 fouls, right? It's the second quarter.

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Nate Robinson: F--- the Knicks. I’m gon’ get mine.

Jamal Crawford: F--- the Hawks. I’m gon’ get mine.

Monta Ellis: F--- Stephen Curry. I’m gon’ get mine.

Ben Gordon: Man, $55 million. I finally got mine. I’m gon’ lay back.

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David Lee: I hate New York, I hate the Knicks, and next season, I will go ANYWHERE, but here. F--- Lebron.

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Amare Stoudemire: F--- Steve Nash. I’m gon’ get mine, and he’s gonna help. But f--- Steve Nash.

Steve Nash: In ‘The Art of War,’ Sun Tzu discusses five central factors for success and victory: The Way, seasons, terrain, leadership, and management. We fail at every single one of those factors, especially the last two. F--- you, Amare.

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Yao Ming: In the Art of War… Wait, who stole my iPhone? Come on, guys! That’s not balling!

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Fed Ex Forum (Memphis): Sad and Depressing Place Where Allen Iverson Goes to Die.

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Danny Ainge: We’re not going to trade Rajon Rondo. But only because nobody will gave us fair value. Nobody in Boston likes him very much.

Rajon Rondo: Coach, I can hear you, you know? And in about 18 months I'm going to be the best player on your team. Just sayin'...

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T-Mobile Wirelesss Advertisement: At least we're not Sprint? And hey, we've got the Chuckster!

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Ben Gordon: Wait.. I'm in Detroit?

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Spencer Hawes: I can't believe Nancy Pelosi is from Northern California. I knew San Francisco was full of those types, but hot damn! Why can't Mark Cuban trade for me? Also: I miss Brad Miller.

Tyreke Evans: Man, people say I was part of a drive-by shooting. My thing is, who you know in Philly that ain't been part of a drive-by? I mean, s---. I'm just out there livin, drivin my cousin, gettin mine, and some things jumped off. Who's fault is that?

Kevin Martin: Do I consider myself a star? Sure, I guess you could say that. Like, Sacramento's a city, right? If Sacramento's a city, then I'm an NBA star.

Paul Westphal: Guys, you're three of my best young players, so I think you guys should become friends. I've organized a private jet to take you to Vegas, where you'll stay at the Maloofs suite, gamble together, and just generally spend some quality time getting to know each other.

Hawes, Evans, Martin: (in unison) HEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL NO!

***

Derrick Rose: You know, if I could play in the NBA without speaking to people, I would really like that.

Joakim Noah: You know, if I could NOT play in the NBA, and just spend time doing interviews, partying, and discussing issues of the world, I would really like that.

Aaron Gray: I play in the NBA?

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Charles Barkley: (already tells the truth and says exactly what he's thinking at all times. See here.)

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Staples Center (LA): Place for Awards Shows and Black Eyed Peas Concerts

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Tyler Hansbrough: You know those people that peaked in college? I'm one of those people. And I don't give a sh--. I was the best basketball player at North Carolina for four years, and I slept with more women than every NC State player ever. Combined. My peak was better than yours.

Roy Hibbert: I, too, peaked in college, but I was more like an NC State player.

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Eddy Curry: Mannn, all these years, I ain't even like basketball. (Tear trickles down ... sniffles) What's that smell, man? Somebody cookin French Bread Pizzas? Man, don't PLAY! (Tosses stool across locker room) Where the French Breads at, mann?! This ain't funny!

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Ron Artest: (actually said this) No law when it comes to me. I let you type critics write and I just keep it hood. That will never change. I am not kissing no ones ass because I'm in LA. Suck a ----.

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Gary Payton: (talking to no one in particular on the NBA TV set) You ain't got nothin! You really gon' bring that trash all game? Come see me! The glooove, baby! You ain't gon' score NOTHIN today.

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Lebron James: I talk like Jay-Z because I'm trying to be on some EMPIRE type sh--. You hear me, ref? I don't have time for this sh--! DYNASTY, SON!

Replacement Ref: (urine trickling down his leg) I hear you, Mr. James. That was traveling, but since I am terrified right now, I'm going to eat my whistle.

ESPN Announcer: That was clearly traveling, but in the interest of promoting the overall NBA experience and preserving our ongoing corporate relationship: what a drive by Lebron James. That right there is something he actually invented himself and it's called a crustacaen step, where he takes three steps in the lane without dribbling the basketball, and then shoots! Just amazing stuff, there, from King James.

ESPN Advertisement: Because we bought the games and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

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Chris Anderson: I'm just trudging the road to happy destiny, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor. You know, the usual. Life is so much simpler these days. (Smiles ... walks out)

Kenyon Martin: Yo, I'm tellin you man! That dude is SUSPECT!

Carmelo Anthony: Nah, man. He always been like that. You seen that tattoo he has on his chest? Of a dragon stabbing a tiger? That's just a weird ass dude. And that hair gel?

Nene: (broken English) You guys think he's a gay?

JR Smith: Man, f--- y'all. I gotta get mine.

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Key Arena (Seattle): Place Where the Seattle Storm Play (Die, Clay Bennet)

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Stephen Jackson: What Ron Artest said. And Coach Nelson, I always pretended to like you, but if you try to start that Curry kid and Monta in the backcourt, it's 'bout to be some Sprewell type problems in Golden State. Also, rest in peace Pimp C.

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Luke Ridnour: I'm going to get mine?

Brandon Jennings: F--- no. I'm GETTIN mine, dog.

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Kobe Bryant: Leroy Smith! You were a guy, who when I got cut, you made the team. And your here tonight, still same guy, not any bigger, game about the same. But you started the whole process in me. Because when you made the team over me, I wanted to prove not just to you, not just to myself, but to the coach who actually picked Leroy over me, I wanted to make sure he understood, he made a mistake dude.

Charlie Murphy: (sitting courtside at a Lakers game) Kobe, for the last time... It was a commercial. I'm not Leroy Smith, and you're not Michael Jordan. What is your deal, bro?

Phil Jackson: (deep in meditation, wearing ten championship rings) I will get mine. I will get mine. I will get mine.

So, there you have it. That's what happens when NBA players, people, and things, finally come clean and tap into their subconscious. Finally, if I told you there was a movie that included a Tina Fey, Louis C.K., Jonah Hill, John Hodgman, Edward Norton, Christopher Guest, and more, is that something you'd be interested in? Then check it out.