7. 2Pacalypse Now In Golden State

The season’s not even a month old, and already, the Golden State Warriors are in state of utter disrepair. This tweet encapsulates it pretty perfectly:

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That’s Marcus Thompson, Warriors beat writer, consoling Warriors youngster CJ Watson. And let’s just say… Anytime you’ve got players joking about  “life spiraling downward” and writers quoting 2Pac to cheer them up, you’re talking about a historically bad situation. And since it’s too early to tell which NBA teams might make history by being awesome, let’s dedicate some time to a team that’s awesomely terrible.

So, here: a few other Tupac quotes to Golden State players, coaches, and fans. He’s a bay area native, you know.

“I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself / is life worth living should I blast myself?”

-Changes

To Warriors fans, of course. For putting up with Warriors ownership the past few years. As Bay Area columnist Tim Kawakami put it, “Cohan [owner], Rowell [president], and Nelson [coach] have NO legitimacy, vision or energy, so why should the players give a damn?” Or, more importantly, why should the FANS give a damn? Damn.

“Instutionalized I lived my life a product made to crumble / But too hardened for a smile, we’re too crazy to be humble”

Hail Mary

I can’t overstate how many different 2pac quotes could be applied to Stephen Jackson. And really, it makes sense. If we had to pick one NBA player who most resembles Tupac Shakur in his daily attitude toward media and/or authority figures… Well, that would be Golden State’s starting small forward!

“My attitude got me walkin solo, ride out alone in my lo-lo / Watchin the whole world move in slow-mo … Who can I trust in this cold world? My phony homey had a baby by my old girl / But I ain’t trippin I’m a player I ain’t sweatin him”

— Until The End Of Time

To Golden State’s Monta Ellis, who’s would be better off riding solo out there in the backcourt.  Remember when he publicly questioned the wisdom of starting Stephen Curry in the backcourt next to him? Well this past week, a bigger backcourt of Tyreke Evans and Beno Udrih bullied the Warriors guards for a combined 43 points on 60% shooting. Um, Monta may have had a point.

“I’m up before the sunrise, first to hit the block / Little bad mothaf——- with a pocket full of rocks.”

— Str8 Ballin

To Kelenna Azubuike, a little bad mothaf’in bright spot on this roster. He works hard, he’s solid on D, and he’s pretty much the only element of the W’s roster that’s NOT dysfunctional.

“Why explain the game? Ni—— ain’t listenin / Stuck in positions. If victims can’t stand the heat / Then stay the f--- out the kitchen”

Life Of An Outlaw

To Anthony Randolph and Don Nelson. Randolph, who’s easily one of the top 5 prospects in the entire league, can’t get consistent minutes. This column pretty much sums it up.

“I bring truth to the youth tear the roof off the whole school / Oh no, I won’t turn the other cheek”

Holla If Ya Hear Me

To Tim Kawakami, the Bay Area columnist charged with documenting this disaster. He’s been phenomenal, and really, any interest further reading should be directed toward his blog, Talking Points. Do they give Pulitzer Prizes for sports journalism? If they do, Dan Steinberg and Kawakami have the market cornered.

And as for the whole team, things are not beyond saving at this point, but a few principal characters need to change. It’s always funny to me when sportswriters use the word “mercurial,” because it’s basically code for, “unpredictable a-hole.” And in that spirit, both Don Nelson and Stephen Jackson are mercurial. Compounding matters, the ownership’s priorities are misguided, which is code for, “they don’t give a crap.” Until Nelson and Jackson move on, and possibly until their terrible owners are forced to sell the team, Golden State will remain as it’s been for the past twenty years: a tragically comic rendition of a pro basketball team.

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