The Alphabetical, Week 9: The Pete Carroll Era Of Domination Comes Crashing Down

A is for Adroit. Riley Cooper, Florida wideout, needs not your "two-handed catches."

It is an indication of how badly things have gone for Georgia this year that in a year when Florida's wide receivers have been unable to get open against blocking sleds, much less live competition, they surrender a touchdown on a freaky catch made with one hand in the tiniest corner of the endzone against pretty decent coverage.Thus begins the slow dismemberment of Mark Richt's staff, staring with Willie Martinez at defensive coordinator, and possibly extending further down to much-criticized defensive line coach John Fabris. The results force a cruel math on Richt: give up two jobs to save eight and endure the "Tuberville treatment" (watching your assistants slowly picked off by fan discontent) or simply walk and go do something else. The latter seems improbable, but Richt is one of the only coaches in college football who could walk out of the office and into life after football without inflicting any serious psychological trauma to himself.

B is for Binky. Bill Stewart could use one.

The whole idea behind diversifying West Virginia's offense in the post-Rich Rodriguez era sounded fine in theory, but if diversification is allowing random target generator Jarrett Brown to throw 32 times while giving Noel Devine only 17 carries, then diversification has been a failure to this point. The odd thing about the numbers in West Virginia's 30-19 loss are that Noel Devine doesn't even see the ball that much in the Mountaineers' attack, and that 17 carries isn't a particularly low number for him. Devine is averaging 119 ypg in a season where his highest number of carries total was 22 against Colorado and Syracuse. If there is a more squandered natural resource in the United States right now, I'd like to see it. 

(HT on the pic: couch-burners The Smoking Musket.)

C is for Carom. The ball zipped off four people for an 86 yard Tyler Sash interception--four--but Iowa's pinball season continues whether reason forbids it to exist or not.  Like your friend riding the high road of probability in Vegas and winning ten thousand in a night playing Casino War, Iowa officially cannot be killed or lose a hand this year, as somehow throwing five interceptions wasn't enough self-destruction for the Hawkeyes to lose against Indiana. At this point you could put landmines on every yardline and still not have a Hawkeye player step on a single one in the course of a day. (Or if they did, they'd merely be covered in soot before turning with a sheepish look towards the camera like a character in an old Tex Avery cartoon.) Just begin printing their box scores with YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE US IF WE TOLD YOU over all the numbers, and we'll declare a truce with Iowa's war against logic and sanity.

D is for Drake'd. I was on the road and didn't get to see Gameday in its entirety, but I should have known Oregon was loaded and ready to commence bombing the instant Chip Kelly appeared on the set wearing the Duck's head on air. The assembled lunatics actually up and roaring at 7 in the morning Pacific time went ballistic, including one Oregon fan who grabbed Kelly's head and planted an exuberant kiss on the top of his skull. The Ducks domination of the Trojans was so complete by the middle of the second half that Kelly could have redonned the head for the second half and it would have, after a few initial giggles, seared itself into the brains of Trojan players as the very image of death itself. (Unnecessary, because death himself actually appeared on the field after the game.)

E is for Extended: The prior thought train, because this does need to be considered: was the 47-20 loss to Oregon the instant when USC went from unassailable royalty to just another viscount milling around the palace? The game itself reminded me of Colorado's 62-36 win over Nebraska, the No. 2 team in the nation in 2001 going into the game against No. 14 Colorado, and still very much a program you might list on your hand as one of the five best in the nation. Most people recall the BCS title game against Miami as the moment when they downgraded Nebraska's bond rating, but the real descent from the heights began with the blowout at Folsom Field. Years from now when Pete Carroll is off curing cancer in his mountaintop monastery/lab, this game will mark a similar point for those tracking the Trojan's rise and fall, because this marks the first time USC really didn't belong on the same field with their opponents when the final whistle blew. Again: it might not be the end of the Pete Carroll Era of Complete Dominance, but it certainly is the end of something.

F is for Fickle. Mark Mangino benched three year starter and future United States President Todd Reesing in the 42-21 loss to Texas Tech. Note to Mangino family dog; fetch promptly, or it's dunzo time for you, because have two bad weeks after years of good performance and you see what happens. 

G is for Grotesque. We're still technically coming off Halloween weekend, so assume the "monstrous" angle of the definition for Houston's Case Keenum and his line against Southern Miss in a free-firing 50-43 win over Southern Miss: 559 yards and 5 TDs including the game-winner with 21 seconds left on the clock.

H is for Honesty. You may as well embrace it if you're a Florida fan. You may think "Hey, I've never seen a pro-eye gouging video." You may no longer say that after today.

DON'T BE NEXT. Urban Meyer has announced Spikes will miss the first half of the Vandy game for this indefensible action taken during the 41-17 demolition of Georgia, something he all but had to do given the likely disciplinary action the SEC would have taken if Meyer hadn't. It's terrible, horrible, and has no place on a football field and WHY AM I LAUGHING AT THIS VIDEO BECAUSE I AM EVIL. Yes, that's the only possible answer. 

I is for Intact. Florida gave Tebow the same prescription it gave Chris Leak when he was struggling and managed to simultaneously take advantage of something Tennessee exploited against Georgia: the rollout. Moving Tebow wasn't quite as successful as Jonathan Crompton's day against them, but it was enough to get the passing game rolling again for a half, something Florida has not done against quality competition all year long. The rollout/bootleg/waggle remains free money no matter the offensive system. Why more teams don't utilize it (or why Florida didn't really trot it out in earnest before this game) remains, like Greg Robinson's continued employment, one of football's great mysteries.

J is for JoePa'd: Northwestern gave Penn State a fright early, holding a 13-10 lead at the half. Then Joe Paterno made the oldest adjustment in the book:

"The adjustment we made is their quarterback got hurt,'' Penn State coach Joe Paterno said.

With Northwestern's Mike Kafka out, Penn State allowed no more points and ho-hummed their way to a workmanlike 34-13 victory over the Wildcats. In further quarterback maiming news, Zac Robinson accomplished the impossible by becoming the first quarterback to complete a game against the Texas defense, who evidently left their crowbars and blackjacks at home and had to rely on overwheming force in their unsuccessful efforts to knock Robinson out of the game.Will Muschamp in response will call vengeful blitzes against UCF's quarterbacks this coming week, and then begin sending corners into the Knights' bench to hunt down the third stringers, personal fouls be damned.

K is for Koalas. Cute things, ostensibly, though they do not like people and have a nasty bite when they get irritated enough to use it. They like to spend most of their time asleep, much like the Illinois Fighting Illini football team. Unfortunately for Michigan, punching an adorable, sleepy koala in the balls seems to do the trick in getting them immediately into "bitey" mode.

(HT: The Wiz.) Michigan looks awful right now, but the shortage of manpower in the defensive secondary is really to blame for something as heinous as a 38-13 to the Illini, who were winless in the Big Ten prior to this game. Thus far Rodriguez had been able to duct-tape together a defensive roster and make it to this point without totally catching on fire, but a shift in the wind sent them up in a five alarm blaze this weekend, something Rodriguez will be caught smack dab in the middle of for the foreseeable future on message boards and talk radio. He's not alone, at least: D-1 teams from Michigan went 0-5 on the weekend. Bailout joke goes HERE.

L is for Landslide. Zen master Dan Hawkins likes to say "stay off the mountain and out of the valley." That is where landslides happen, actually, like being outscored 64-27 in the first quarter by opponents in 2007. Colorado fell down 33-3 at one point to Mizzou before losing 36-17, ensuring that Colorado would fire him if they had enough money to do so, which by most accounts they don't, meaning more landslides.

M is for Moonshot. Jim Grobe confirmed every horrible stereotype you might have had about ACC football by lining up for a 60 yard field goal at the end of Wake Forest's eventual 28-27 loss to Miami. Sixty yards isn't just "a long field goal" so much as it is "a dare that can, once every three years or so, win a football game." College hasn't seen a 60 yard field goal since 2007 when Gary Cismesia of Florida State kicked one against Florida, and making it worse is that Wake kicker Jimmy Newman hasn't hit one over 50 yards this year, much less one taken from somewhere over the Tennessee state line. 

N is for Nessun Maggior Dolere Che Ricordarsi Del Tempo Felice Nella Miseria. Italian phrase meaning "sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering." 2009 will be that for UConn for many reasons, but losing like this is just life set on unnecessary cruelty. The worst part about 2009 for UConn will be remembering it, something we suggest they do their best not to do.

O is for Overrated. Ole Miss, preseason top ten team, is now unranked and fighting for bowl eligibility. 

P is for Photogenic Please say you saw Mack Brown's interview on Gameday with Holly Rowe. This space has contained praise for Mack Brown's uncanny ability to make love to the camera before, but when Rowe asked him about the BCS, tap-dancin' Mack began to answer and, mid-sentence, turned to the camera and...well...I think he was hitting on me. And you. And America, actually. In once panty-dropping glance he reminded me of why his first name is Mack, and why Texas will outgun anyone, strength of schedule be damned, if this thing comes down to a war on the airwaves and not on the field for the last BCS slot.  He could charm an Ed Hardy shirt off Jon Gosselin, that man.

Q is for Questionable. As in any defense played in the Orange Bowl if one of the hypothetical matchups possible in the bowl game takes place: Georgia Tech versus Notre Dame. If the Irish run the table they would be an easy grab for a bowl game that suffers through an automatic berth alotted to the lukewarm fanbases of the ACC, and a ratings boost for the millions of people who, for one perverse reason or another, love to watch Notre Dame suffer in bowl games. It would be a fair matchup, to be sure, since both teams have made an agreement not to play defense of any sort for the remainder of the 2009 season and compensate by scoring tons of points on offense. 

R is for Ramblin'. The Yellow  has been on the road four of their last five games, and have averaged 42 points per game in that stretch. It's not in the name of their mascot vehicle of choice for nothing.

S is for Saban. Nick Saban spent the bye week doing the things you do when you have a week off: hanging out with the kids, doing a little barbecuing, catching up with old friends. We kid: he and the entire Alabama team spent the bye week throwing boulders, branding each other with hot irons, watching film 14 hours a day, and staring at goats until they died solely from the killing powers of their mind. In other word: standard Saban vacation material, really.

T is for Turnstiles. For the millionth week in a row we give the Turnstile of the Week award to the Florida State defense, who in their five conference games this year have given up more yardage than the Seminoles gave up in 2004 and 2006 combined. This is repetition, but if not for Christian Ponder this team would have lost to Jacksonville State in what would be the most humiliating loss in Division One Football history. If the Most Valuable Player existed in any real form in college football, the FSU qb would win it, since he is the only thing standing between the Seminoles and oblivion.

U is for Unleaded. Lane Kiffin allegedly told then-recruit Alshon Jeffery he'd "end up pumping gas" if he went to South Carolina. After a 31-13 defeat of the Gamecocks at Neyland Stadium Saturday night, this seems overdue.

The candy corn uniforms were a nice touch, actually. Georgia's "Grambling Lite" unis should be, per Tony Barnhart's suggestions, burned immediately and cast to rest at sea.

V is for Veteran. Cal QB Kevin Riley led Cal to a game-winning drive against Arizona State, something he has had only one other chance to do, and let's not talk about how that went, because being a veteran has its benefits (namely getting people to forget things like this.)

W is for Waving. Clinging to a 20-14 lead over UCF with the ball at first and goal for the Knights, Marshall took a timeout with precious seconds ticking down in order to get their personnel in place. The Thundering Herd then left a wide receiver completely uncovered at the line, prompting UCF wideout Rocky Ross to actually WAVE LIKE A BLUSHING BRIDE at QB Brett Hodges, who courteously threw him the bouquet for an effortless TD to win the game 21-20 in a comeback.There was no worse defensive play this weekend, especially since UCF also had an open receiver in the flat, too. Hodges had two completely undefended choices at the end of the game.

X is for XO. The finest of cognacs is poured in the direction of Al Golden, the Temple coach who led the finest legstripe-wearin' Owls to a 27-24 win over Navy and--pause, please--bowl eligibility. If you need any further proof that college football is in a strange house of the astrological cycle, TEMPLE IS BOWL ELIGIBLE. With Al Groh on the wane at Virginia, the bad news is that the former UVA assistant would be a logical choice for the job there. Even if he does not get the job, however, I'm willing to nominate him for a MacArthur Genius Grant to support his further experiments and research with this "winning football games at Temple" thing. 

Y is for Youth, Wasted. All kinds of records were set at the Cocktail Party this weekend.

Z is for Zipper, Down. The dismal year in officiating has its crowning visual summation, courtesy of the Something Awful Forums:

That'll do, internet. That'll do.