8. Lebron: The Anatomy Of Douchebaggery

In sports, as in life, there are certain infrastructures that are just impossible to subvert. Like, remember a few weeks ago when Sean Hannity committed outright journalistic fraud? Yeah? Well he’s still insanely popular. And even though ESPN continues to plod along with head splitting levels of corporate tie-ins and product placement—the Coors Light Hard Cold Six Pack of Questions sounds like something that’d be made up on 30 Rock, for instance—they’re still an empire in sports media. And maybe it’ll always be that way. Once someone or something gets entrenched with the masses, it’s much harder to shape the surrounding narrative.

BUT that doesn’t mean we can’t try. And with something like Lebron changing his number, it absolutely needs to happen. Because he’s just the worst. I mean, truly, he’s historically disingenuous, and among athletes, that’s really saying something. People that casually follow sports might hear this news, shrug, and say, “Look at that, he wants to honor MJ. Good kid, that Lebron.”

But whoa whoa whoa… Let’s back up for a second and look at the motivations here, and highlight why, exactly, this is such a transparently selfish move. To keep things super simple, let’s recount a conversation I had with my girlfriend at the game Wednesday night. Swear to God we actually had this conversation:

Which one’s Lebron?

Uh… Number 23.

He’s really good, right?

Yeah. (grits teeth) Best player in the league.

Wait, didn’t Michael Jordan wear 23 also?

Funny you should ask… (Explains Lebron’s changing his number)

That makes no sense. Didn’t he know Michael Jordan wore number 23 when he came into the league?

Yeah. I know.

If Lebron had truly wanted to honor Michael Jordan’s contribution to the game, he could have chosen not to wear his jersey right when he was coming into the league. It’s not as if people didn’t associate the number with Jordan way back in 2003—by wearing number 23, James was already clearly paying homage to his idol. ANY player that wears that number implies as much without saying a word on the subject.

Of course, as James continues to blossom as a player, we’ve to believe that he’s suddenly grown more reflective on his place in basketball history. So, of course, just when Michael Jordan is joking and posing for pictures with one of Bron’s peers, Dwyane Wade, James has an EPIPHANY. All these years, he’s been shortchanging Jordan’s legacy by wearing that famous number.

Sure, changing his number will help sell jerseys. And by announcing it out-of-the-blue in the middle of the season, Lebron’s decision garners about ten times the publicity it would have had he filed the paperwork later in the year. By going about it this way, it’s almost reminiscent of David Stern’s tactics. The way he’ll announce something like the NBA dress code right before the season, just to get everyone talking about pro basketball.

Yeah, this is sort of like that, except Lebron wants everybody talking about Lebron. And as for honoring MJ’s contributions to basketball… Are we to pretend Lebron doesn’t mimic about eight other things that Jordan made famous? This whole routine is certainly the most egregious:

None of which is a criticism. Jordan’s the greatest player that ever lived. OF COURSE you mimic him. But by changing his number—and telling other players to do the same—Lebron’s not leading some crusade to make sure Mike’s not forgotten. It’s all about him, per usual. He’s always marketing, to the point where his adult identity has pretty much been created for him by Nike. That’s why he’s so overwhelmingly popular, and no matter what we do or say, he’ll always have millions of fans and murals on buildings. That’s the way life works sometimes.

But it doesn’t mean we can’t call him a douchebag…