3. Ron Artest Is Nic Cage; Wizards Fans Are Dr. Stanley Goodspeed

It’s something my friends and I have discussed for a good while now, but given the recent news that he’s broke and being sued by his manager it warrants mentioning that Nicholas Cage has had maybe the greatest acting career in human history. Like, the number of bad movies that in which Cage has starred is INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Beginning with Face Off—a turning point for him, really—Cage has starred in City of Angels, Snake Eyes, 8 MM, Gone In Sixty Seconds (okay, so I enjoyed this one), Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, The Family Man, Windtalkers, Adaptation, National Treasure, National Treasure: Book Of Secrets, The Weather Man, Ghost Rider, and the forthcoming Bad Lieutenant: Port Of New Orleans, where he plays a “drug-andgambling-addled detective in post-Katrina New Orleans investigating the killing of five Senegalese immigrants.”

Ladies and gentleman… Nicholas Cage!

Who’s the NBA’s Nicholas Cage? Probably post-Indiana Ron Artest. He’s clearly insane, his skills have been declining for years, and yet his name still sounds like an All-Star, and nobody will say otherwise because it’s so entertaining having him around. I mean, seriously: how soon can we greenlight the third National Treasure?

One of his movies absolutely changed my life, however. In The Rock, he played Dr. Stanley Goodspeed next to a crusty old war veteran, Sean Connery. It’s hard to describe how incredibly badass this movie was at the time; I was maybe 12 years-old, and when it came out on cassette, I probably watched it a solid 150 times. Anyway, watching the Wizards the past few weeks reminded of the climatic scene (spoiler alert for 15 year-old movie):

At the 3:40 mark, Dr. Stanley Goodspeed has to stab himself in the heart with a needle containing the antidote to the poison VX gas that will otherwise kill him within 60 seconds. (How awesome is that sentence?) And that’s how I feel about Gilbert Arenas with the Wizards.

Arenas single-handedly rejuvenated hoops in D.C., and arrived at a time when our psyche had just been trampled upon by Michael Jordan and his gigantic ego. For the first time in my lifetime, it was FUN to root for the Wizards, right after morale had hit an all-time low. And nearly all of that can be traced back to Gilbert. When he peaked in 2005-06, he was one of the deadliest scorers in the game, and easily the NBA’s most entertaining personality.

But after two yearlong stints on the injured list and two knee surgeries, it’s unclear whether he’ll ever get back to that level. Or even close. On Wednesday night he was 6-22 from the field, didn’t attack the basket the entire first half, consistently looked a step slow on defense, and generally, just hurt the team. A liability on offense and defense is really hard to justify, ya know?

He played well in the third quarter and had plenty of Wizards fans crediting him for “saving the day,” but then he sat the entire fourth quarter with ice on his knee. And while he sat on the side, Caron Butler finally looked good, Earl Boykins was wreaking havoc, and the Wizards hummed along nicely, extending their lead in his absence. And that’s why it feels like Wizards fans are Stanley Goodspeed.

To openly doubt Gilbert would be like stabbing ourselves in the heart, but it just might save our life. So far, Gilbert’s not attacking the rim, Caron can’t find a rythm playing alongside him, and the offense has been almost as terrible as the defense. Gilbert’s not to blame for all of that, but again, if he and Caron can’t coexist for 40 minutes-a-game, anchoring this team around Caron and Antawn may be the right move. 

Gilbert’s struggled so far, and while it’s too early to say he won’t regain his form, “post-microfracture Chris Webber” is a definite possibility as far as the rest of his career’s concerned. And if that’s the case—the next month will tell a lot—the Wizards need to stop treating him like their superstar and dispatching him to shoot 20 shots-a-game and take every game-winner. It’s hurting us now, and over an entire season, it’ll kill us. 

It hurts my heart, but this may not be Gilbert’s team anymore.