Don't Panic: Tiger Will Still Have More Money Than You

It has now been two weeks since Tiger Woods' personal issues prompted NORAD to upgrade to DEFCON-3, citizens to board up their doors, the wealthy elite to construct a space shuttle to escape our pale blue dot, and the media to generally freak the hell out. At this point in the saga, a lot of attention is being given to Tiger's endorsement deals.

Will his family-unfriendly personal issues curb his endorsement revenue? The closest parallel we have at our disposal is the plight of Kobe Bryant earlier this decade. Kobe, like Tiger, enjoyed a squeaky-clean image before reports of marital infidelity (and far worse, allegations of rape) came to light. Aside from a couple of deals, notably McDonald's, Bryant managed to retain his endorsements (among them Nike, which also retains Woods' services).

So, yes, the media knows you're concerned that Tiger Woods might be left with merely more money than you can comprehend, rather than infinitely more money than you can comprehend. Or are you just worried that you'll never see another Gillette commercial in which Tiger brazenly knocks the planet Earth through a bizarro universe with Roger Federer and Thierry Henry? If you sit down and actually devote your full attention to that commercial, you'll wonder how in the world you managed to pay it a fraction of your attention all those hundreds of times and think, "huh, yeah, that's a commercial, all right." The depressing banality of the soundtrack alone should be enough incentive for you to dispense any pathos toward Tiger's endorsement income.

UPDATE: Woods just lost his endorsement with Gillette. Everybody freak out!