Who Will Replace Urban Meyer? Here's Who We've Ruled Out

In the wake of Urban Meyer's resignation as Florida's head coach, the Internet is exploding with speculation regarding his eventual successor. Names are flying about; everyone from Bob Stoops to Charlie Strong to Jon Gruden is being discussed.

So let's throw on the brakes for a moment to get some perspective. Here is a quick list of folks who can be definitively be ruled out:

Name: Tim Tebow
You know him from: Florida football, that guy you know who barely knows anything about college football but still enjoys talking about it
Why he won't coach Florida: Too busy sitting at the right hand of God, answering prayers, and helping people win at roulette

Name: Kool-Aid Man
You know him from: Kool-Aid commercials
Why he won't coach Florida: He does not exist in real life; he is an anthropomorphic glass pitcher; he lacks the ability to get the most of his players, since he is an anthropomorphic glass pitcher

Name: This guy Chad I know
I know him from: He's Josh's friend who I met at the mall the other day
Why he won't coach Florida: That dude is a douchebag; that dude sucks

Name: Boof Bonser
You know him from: The Minnesota Twins
Why he won't coach Florida: Nevermind, he's being considered now

Name: Urban Meyer
You know him from: Florida football (former head coach)
Why he won't coach Florida: Have you even been paying attention? God!

(For informed speculation on who is in the discussion, read on.)