10 Reasons We Love the Swimsuit Issue, Bro

cmottram (9:24:50 AM): Yes bro! It’s out! The Swimsuit Issue!
↵spencerhall (9:25:13 AM): I've been looking for naked women! I can't find any on the internet!
↵cmottram (9:25:48 AM): Bro! They got Danica to wear a bikini. Again!
↵spencerhall (9:25:56 AM): She's thin! ↵

↵And with that, may we present the 10 totally sarcastic reasons why Swimsuit Issue Day is the greatest day of the year: ↵

↵

↵1. You know what I'm excited about? I like it when they take professional female athletes and put them in the issue. And I'm not being ironic, because they make the other women look like they're seconds from starvation. ↵

↵

↵2. I really like paying $5.99 for a hardcopy of the magazine. There's something classier about doing it that way than simply google searching "Bar Refaeli " and finding an endless gold mine of naked-ish photos. The mag is in this form everyone can look at, as opposed to me just keeping it in a private stash labeled "Tax Forms, 2004" on my computer’s desktop. ↵

↵

↵3. BODY PAINT! This will never get old for me, bro. Probably because they are completely naked, and simply painting their privates blue doesn't change this fact. ↵

↵

↵4. The continued tradition of having the women in poses suggesting they have just collapsed after weeks of starvation. Which, in many cases, may actually be true. ↵

↵

↵5. The "tugging off my swimsuit" pose. Because she's looking right at you, buddy! No, not you -- YOU! Or she's trying to itch an ingrown hair or checking for jellyfish stings. But assume the first one, because that's the sexy option. ↵

↵

↵6. Another thing I love about the Swimsuit issue? Danica Patrick appearing in it for the second straight year. Right? Anyone? (Crickets.) ↵

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↵7. The behind the scenes videos of the models on the SI website. Before you get to watch models discussing how cold it is while looking very cold, you are forced to watch Matt Light prance around in skin tight Under Armour gear in a Sobe commercial. The rich irony of this cannot be quantified without complex math. ↵

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↵8. Sand on your ass. I never understand the sand pose. Look at you! You're covered in sand. It's like you don't know how to clean yourself! It makes me think that model has to have their teeth brushed for them, like a dog. This turns us on, big time. ↵

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↵9. The candid shots. Because, really, why wouldn't you be shooting handguns, washing a horse or shoveling snow in your bikini? ↵

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↵10. The interviews, especially when they ask, “Do real guys have a shot?” And you know what? They totally do. Yes you, the fleshy desk jockey, would have a shot at taking them home if you met them at a bar, because all these girls want is an honest, sweet, funny guy. You’re all of those things! ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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