Favre to Enjoy Most Childlike Retirement Ever


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↵Brett Favre told the Jets today that he intends to retire from the NFL, beginning what many experts predict will be the most childlike retirement in the history of professional sports. ↵

↵"I know that Brett's making the right choice. It's a hard choice, but he'll be everything he was on the football field, except that he'll be that off the field. Just like a kid out there," said longtime NFL analyst and NBC announcer John Madden. ↵

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↵Favre plans on riding ATVs, leaving legos on the floor, and accidentally throwing baseballs and footballs through the glass windows of his neighbors' homes with the same childlike enthusiasm and glee he displayed in his illustrious career as a professional football player. ↵

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↵"He'll go home, and then out to the little shed thingy for some ping-pong with the boys, then BOOM! over to the practice field for some touch football, and the whaddyacallit, and then the thingy, and then there ya go. That's just Brett Favre. He's a kid, and he'll always be a kid." ↵

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↵Kiln, Mississippi neighbors are said to be thrilled at the prospect of Favre bringing his reckless but joyful approach to football to his home life. 72-year-old Hillary Evans has lived near Favre for most of her life, and says no one will throw himself into being just like a kid in retirement like Favre will. ↵

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↵"Oh, Brett breaks a few windows every now and then. But I invite him in, give him a slice of pie and a glass of milk, and then teach him a valuable lesson about respecting other people's property. He's a nice, nice boy, really." ↵

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↵SI columnist Peter King, a writer who describes himself as "being so close to Favre I can recognize his scent left on strange furniture," agrees that Favre's retirement will be the most juvenile, joyous, and chaotic retirement of all time. ↵

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↵"Can you imagine it? It'll be better than a Springsteen concert sponsored by Starbucks. He'll have bikes with streamers. He'll have video games. He'll eat hot Cheetos all day and throw lit M-80s into his fishing pond. He'll ... he'll be so far away ... from me ..." ↵

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↵At this point in the interview Mr. King became overwhelmed with emotion, and could not continue. ↵

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↵Not everyone agrees with the positive impact on the community that Favre's retirement could have, however. ↵

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↵"Wow, flaming dog poop in a bag on my doorstep 12 months a year now," says Kiln resident Edward Milledge, a longtime neighbor of Favre's. "This used to only be half the year, but now I'll have to feel guilty driving by his lemonade stand twice a day without buying anything. It's not like he needs the money, anyway." ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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