Minor League Baseball's Sinister Business Plan


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↵It seems innocent enough: oh, let's just run a fun promotion to get people in the ballpark. Any ideas? A huge hamburger, you say, with corporate sponsorship ties to Fifth-Thirds Bank? Yes, that will get them in, because these are Americans, and they will eat anything on a dare. ↵
↵⇥It's 5/3 lbs (1.66) of beef with lettuce, tomato, salsa, sour cream, chili and Fritos [ed. note: those look more like tortilla chips to us] on an eight-inch sesame seed bun. ↵⇥

↵⇥The team says it feeds one to four people and sells for $20, and if a person finishes the Fifth Third Burger in one sitting, the team will offer up a Fifth Third Burger T-shirt. ↵⇥

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↵The burger doesn't really have nutritional information so much as it has a weaponry catalog: 4889 calories (two days' worth for an active man,) 299 g of total fat (eight zillion percent of your recommended daily intake,) over 10,000 g of sodium (enough to preserve a good-sized mummy,) and a whole bag of broken glass stuffed in there that you'll probably eat without even noticing it. The chili and Fritos/tortilla chips are really just there as a joke, but people keep eating them anyway. ↵

↵It all seems innocuous, but the business plan is simple: sell death-burger, pull patrons out of stands as they suffer massive heart attacks, and then sell their organs on the black market. Instant profit! Don't tell Selig though, because he'll get it all wrong by just kidnapping the people after giving them a free burrito not big enough to kill them, then realizing he's got live prisoners on his hands, and then feeding them steroids to fatten them up, and then just releasing them and denying the whole thing while blaming the owners for it all. Leave it to the minor leagues, Bud, who actually know how to make baseball interesting. ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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