To: Fans; From: Dan Snyder; Re: Terrell Owens

From the Office of Redskins Owner Daniel M. Snyder ↵ ↵

↵Redskins fans, ↵

↵

↵There’s been much hoopla made this morning about our franchise’s potential interest in recently released wide receiver Terrell Owens. We’d like to calm your concerns and let you know that we are not actively pursuing Ter -- HEY WHAT’S THAT! Over there! That shiny thing! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE. Here’s 10 grand, hand it over! ↵

↵

↵[Pockets a smudged 2003 United States nickel.] ↵

↵

↵I’m sorry, where was I. Ah, yes: T.O. Sure, in the past we’ve been quick to go after big name free agents, most of which were past their prime. But I assure you, the days of us scooping up free agents just because they look good are long gon -- I’m sorry, but I can’t help but notice that lovely tie you’re wearing. Here’s the keys to the black CL500 parked outside. GIMMIE! NOW! ↵

↵

↵[Wraps tie around forehead, Rambo style. Starts playing with his GI Joes.] ↵

↵

↵Apologies -- I get a little overzealous sometimes. Anywho, Owens. Yes. Never gonna happen. We already have something like six receivers on the roster. Why would we need another one? Besides, T.O. is a locker room cancer, something we simply can’t deal with right now with all the big personalities we already have on the tea -- Wait! Are you chewing Paradise Punch Bubblicious? I LOVE Bubblicious. Spit it out. Yes, right into my hand. I’ll give you our first-round draft pick and three future picks for it if you GIMMIE NOW! ↵

↵

↵[Chews gum for several seconds. Quickly changes his mind; realizes it’s lost all its flavor. Spits out into nearby trash can.] ↵

↵

↵Alright, let’s wrap this up before I get sidetracked again. Bottom line: We aren’t signing that guy. We aren’t even remotely interested. ↵

↵

↵Sincerely, ↵
↵Mr. Snyder ↵ ↵

↵

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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