You, Too, Can Coach Mississippi State

Mississippi State will let you coach half their football team in the Maroon and White Spring Game for the low, low price of $1,500. The Bulldogs are auctioning off the right to "coach" one side, including attending the pregame strategy sessions with MSU coaches, "drafting" your players, and giving the pregame speech. For the speech, I'd probably just stick to the classics. You know, like reciting this verbatim. (Warning: Video contains the s-bomb.)
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↵As for play-calling, it's the spring game. You don't want to show the full arsenal, really. All you really want to do is stick to the basics, and then give the people who turn out for the game a show. Or, if you play for my team, you're going to run nothing but trick plays every single down, because what works in video game football works in real life every time without fail. The playbook, as follows: ↵

↵The Fake Punt. We'd run this on first down just to confuse people. The basic set for all video game offenses, as you can pass, run, run/pass fake, or just run around and hope something good happens. Occasionally, you can even do something called "punting" from this formation ... if you're scared, that is. ↵

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↵The Statue of Liberty. Another base play in my team's spring game offense. Comes in variations like "works" and "is tackled in the backfield for a six yard loss." ↵

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↵The Flea Flicker. Would be the premier backyard football play if not for the button hook drawn on the palm. The flea-flicker has everything you love in a trick play: high-risk reward, a very long setup time, and the guarantee that if it works your opponent will look really, really bad. Of course, if it doesn't, it's a turnover running into a TD the other way, but we don't mind breaking a few eggs to make omelets around here, son. ↵

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↵The HB Option Pass. Multiple handoffs or passes are always good, but the halfback pass reigns supreme in that even when performed well it always looks like an accident waiting to happen. ↵

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↵Throw in assistant coach Mottram's infamous Jiffy Lube pass routes, a few hook and laterals, and the fumblerooski, and I guarantee I will provide the most exciting spring game Mississippi State has ever seen. I may also put a bear in a uniform and send it out with a defensive line package just to see what happens. You want a show, you hire a showman people. And for $1500, I will be just that, y'all. ↵

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↵(H/T: Friends of the Program) ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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