â†µThis morning Elliott was all but promising to throw in a second Slapchop for free to get people to watch the game. Hell, he wasn't even asking that you watch the entire thing -- no, "just...five or ten minutes" was all Elliott wanted out of you. He Twittered about it. "JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE" was actually a quote, and not an exaggeration, as Elliott assumes you feel about soccer the way your wife feels about your suggestions of "seeing other people, but you know, um, staying married. Oh, and you can't date other people, but I can." â†µâ†µ
â†µIn the mega-league of all mega-leagues in the sport, this year's match features Barcelona versus Manchester United. Barcelona is the team you will likely root for, since they score a zillion goals a game and have a far more affable superstar, Lionel Messi (pictured), the leading scorer in the Champions League and a man so fun to watch he would soften the heart of the most determined soccer haters. Manchester United, meanwhile, will feature Cristiano Ronaldo, also known by his other name, "Fergie." (Apologies: Fergie wears less makeup.) â†µ
â†µCristiano Ronaldo dives, whines for calls, and is even more despicable than he might be as a merely good soccer player because of his obvious brilliance. He and Messi are in a tussle for the title of best in the world right now, and the outcome of this match could have much to do with the prevailing opinions on this question. â†µâ†µ
â†µEven if you dislike soccer, please take advantage of modern office technology to skip out on work starting at 2:25 and watch the whole thing on ESPN 360. Manchester fans are English soccer fans! Spanish fans are notoriously racist! They're all in Rome, where the Italian police are out in force and are notoriously vicious and armed to the teeth! What could go wrong? â†µâ†µ
â†µEditor's note: Be very careful if you ever search for Josh Elliott on the web. According to Wikipedia, omitting one "T" on his last name will lead you to a Czech porn star. And if it's on that site, it must be true. â†µâ†µ
This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.