The Enumerative: Athletes as Beverages

On Monday night, Capitals owner Ted Leonsis was asked to compare Sidney Crosby to Alex Ovechkin. His response was brilliant:

“Sid is the best white wine the restaurant has to offer. Alex is a Denver Slammer, a shot of tequila in a glass of champagne. You whack the glass so that the fizz is coming up and you just shoot it.”

We’d never heard of tequila with champagne, which means that Leonsis probably parties more extravagantly than we do. Which is to be expected -- He’s rich. But still, we liked the idea of comparing athletes to beverages. Here now are five of today’s most talked about sporting figures and the drinks that represent them:

LeBron James: The Erie Bargeman. Rum, Tequila, Gin, Vodka, Everclear, Blue Curacao, Rum, More Rum, Champagne, Red Wine, Bitters, Amaretto, three olives, ice. Stir with oar, serve in small birdbath. Should produce Lebron-like effects of being hit from all sides at once and ending up defeated on the floor before the game is done."

Tim Tebow: The Dan Shanoff. Pour one 8 oz. glass of milk and mix with protein powder of your choice. Pray for two minutes. Attempt to finish milk in under five seconds. If you fail, call press conference and vow that you will finish every other glass of milk in under five seconds for the rest of the season, and that you will never see anyone drink milk harder than you will.

Zack Greinke: Double Jager Shot. Jager is different from most shots in that it works from the inside out. The outward appearance remains relatively normal and calm, save for maybe a penetrating death stare. But beneath that, nothing is normal -- it’s just complete chaos. At first, these effects may be confusing, even debilitating, but once one has learned how to handle Wolfenbüttel’s finest digestif, it can be used to achieve greatness. Such as finally breaking up with that girlfriend you never liked anyway and not remembering any of it. Or starting the season 6-0 with a 0.40 ERA.

Tiger Woods: The "Mint" Julep. Puree $500 dollars with 4 oz. simple syrup. Pack onto bottom of glass with metal spoon. Top with bourbon and soda, throw in Phil Mickelson's face to consume and flee the scene on your yacht with Swedish model wife. (Collect 3 million dollar appearance fee.)

Brett Favre: Beer (or Not). Order a beer. Then don't. Then order again, but don't. Finally order, then attempt to toss the money to the bartender, and instead heave five perfectly good dollars into the trash can. (Gunslinger!) Finish half the beer, hand it back getting the bartender fired. Wipe hands on Wrangler jeans, say you're through, and then do the exact same thing at an entirely different bar.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.