Top Five Candidates To Buy The Rams

The Rams are for sale, and with Al Davis now losing steam thanks to his new diet of nothing but True Blood, he's not quite the same maverick PITA owner he once was. (He's almost 800, and that is old even for a vampire.) With the NFL becoming even more sensibly corporate (i.e. boooooring) than usual, this is a perfect opportunity for some brave, mad soul to barge in and become the new thumbtack in the heel of the rest of the NFL's owners. ↵

↵The five best candidates are: ↵

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↵5. The People's Liberation Army of China. Half military machine, half megabusiness conglomerate, the PLA could attempt a hostile takeover of the franchise right now thanks to the Chinese government's 33 percent stake in everything American anyway. Do you crave a Macau-style casino built into your NFL stadium? Of course you do. Would also be only the second NFL ownership team to own nuclear weapons after the Brown family of Cincinnati, which has used their nukes to hold the city of Cincinnati hostage for decades now. ↵

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↵4. Mark Cuban. It would get him into a shirt with sleeves, as NFL jersey do not come in sleeveless douchebag cut. He'd also get along with Roger Goodell as well as he gets along with David Stern, which would be its own entertainment in itself. ↵

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↵3. Richard Branson. If the Glazers can buy Manchester United, certainly England's most colorful mogul can return the favor of purchasing a big professional team in the American heartland. Bonus promo sure to break turnstiles: (slightly NSFW) nude model backpacks for everyone. ↵

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↵2. Ingvar Kamprad. The ridiculously wealthy billionaire and IKEA founder would not only turn St. Louis into a low-cost but highly successful venture, but would make sure that the Rams had the most affordable but stylish fan seating complete with hidden compartments for binoculars, well-designed cupholders. (Downside: fans would have to build their seats themselves with an Allen wrench.) Additional bonus: the smell of cinnamon buns piped into the game at all times, a huge homefield advantage for a team that will become evident when opposing linemen begin crying from hunger in the third quarter. ↵

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↵1. God. In the culmination of athletes claiming God was on their side, God finally descends from the clouds and clarifies for the world that yes, he does take sides, and that St. Louis is his team of choice and no one else. Good for irritating other owners with his holier-than- thou attitude, the Rams' improbable infinite win streak beginning shortly after his purchase. The topic of the running gag "Hey, that guy God over there? He thinks he's Roger Goodell." ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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