Monfils Downs Roddick, Asks You To Get Up

Please! Do not delete this email, which is very important. I have a business proposal which is not an any way an internet scam. If you please deposit ONE GAEL MONFILS into our nation's population, we shall send you Andy Roddick and 10,000 pristine copies of Coolio's new album From The Bottom 2 The Top.

This is not a scam. I just love rooting for a gawky, wild-haired French kid who trash talks rapidly to no one in particular while delivering a very public spanking of Andy Roddick 6-4, 6-2, 6-3 in today's men's match on the ninth day of the French Open. Monfils wore a a neon yellow sleeveless tee he could have plausibly pulled off the floor of his car as he stretched his improbably long frame into corners of the court even the janitors haven't touched for years. He out-served Roddick, out-hustled him, and out-charmed him front of a French crowd rooting for him like soccer hooligans. (Toward the end of the match the seven "oh" chorus from the White Stripes "Seven Nation Army," a soccer fan favorite, boomed from the stands in the lull between points.)

Roddick never looked right, complained to the officials about the cloud cover, and staged one rally in the third set before giving into to the relentless energy of Monfils. He did shake hands with the man who beat him, though, putting him one up on Lebron James in the sportsmanship department. See? He would be a fine credit to your country, and obviously only requires the benefits of fine French living to reach his peak and do your country proud: good food, a moderate amount of fine Bordeaux every day, French disco, and at least two mistresses to keep his brain and heart occupied while his body focuses on playing tennis for France.

Please forward me your address, so I can ship ONE ANDY RODDICK and 10,000 COOLIO CDs to to you immediately. In return I expect ONE GAEL MONFILS, albeit a slightly damaged one. This is likely because Monfils, exciting and bouncy though he may be, will be playing Roger Federer next, and cannot be expected to beat the best cyborg to ever play the game of tennis. Please pack him with a generous amount of bubble wrap and several nutritious snack bars.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.