I, Kevin Garnett, Have A List of Promises

Wassup, everybody. I'm Kevin Garnett and I have a list of promises. First, I promise y'all that we're gonna win the NBA title in 2010 and 2011. Write. It. Down. Anything is possible.

That's why I'm not done making promises.

I promise I will prove that Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy are the same man.

I promise to make Bill Simmons write a column invoking a reference to something that occurred after 1992.

I promise to bring a toaster oven to life, impregnate it with my mind, and then smile as it feeds the people of Celtic Nation by spitting out an endless stream of perfectly heated Toaster Strudels.

I will turn Bear Grylls pee into Kool-Aid, so that when he drinks it on every episode of Man vs. Wild it tastes like delicious Sharkleberry Punch, and not urine.

I will hire Isiah Thomas to run my finances, and at the end of the year, I will be the wealthiest man on the planet and will not be on fire. This is the exact opposite of what you think would happen, but I am Kevin Garnett. Anything is possible.

I will shorten pi to five digits on my lunch break.

I will do all of these things, Celtics Nation. I will drink an entire hot tub in a single gulp. Not impressed? The hot tub is full of beautiful women. They will pass through my digestive system and exit wearing Chanel, and will swear that it was the most beautiful experience of their lives.

I will eat just one Lay's potato chip.

I will fly to the moon using nothing but a Hereford Cow, a lighter and a half-empty can of WD-40.

I will be the next great American sports car.

I will make all of your dreams come true before 10 a.m. and finally make ESPN publish the all-nude swimsuit issue I promised all those years ago.

Anything is possible. After all, I got Marbury another paycheck, and after that anything really is possible.

Peace,

KG

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.