Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Big Ten Edition

Take it from someone who went last year: conference media days are not an event. Yes, they involve a large number of people descending on one place and participating in one common activity and thus meet the "technical" "definition" of an event, but think outside the bun here. Not an event.



Take it from longtime central Pennsylvania crank David Jones:

I think he's [Tressel] an android. One of these days, someone is going to finally push him over the edge and he's going to snap and try to stuff a rolled-up magazine down the guy's throat and then milky conductor fluid is going to start spurting out his mouth and his head'll pop off exposing all the wiring and then millions of fans will be stunned. I will not.

Yeah: not an event. They're even worse than SEC media days, during which coaches sit for extended periods; here, it's 15 minutes and out, with an opening statement eating up a goodly chunk of that -- if you're Tim Brewster last year, 60 percent of it.

But the media days do happen. They are, in fact, happening today. Thus far I've been treated to an unknown Big Ten Network analyst calling Tate Forcier "an unguided missile," and Greg Robinson "a beautiful mind." I think he has motivational Tourette's.

There is nothing of import here except the occasional inanity, zinger, or stretch so boring that people start jabbing pens into their eyes just to remember what it felt like to feel something. So let's play COACH MATCH.

Here's one quote from each Big Ten head coach. Gotta match 'em all!

1. "Get your dad-gum chili hot! Get your dad-gum chili hot."
2. "A winning season in 2009 would be a way to have a special season."
3. "We're very happy with the guys who are still here."
4. "I want to make it crystal clear that I voted for Tim Tebow."
5. "I have a tattoo of a Hawkeye on my left calf; it seemed like a good idea when I was 19."
6. "Any time you challenge yourself, it's a positive thing."
7. "As a football coach, you love coaching football."
8. "One of the reasons we've been able to have success is our tradition."
9. "I'm not quite sure where we are."
10. "Maybe I should have just said yes."
11. "This is the first time we've had enough good players that we've had to decide which three to bring here."

And now for the answers...

1. Tim Brewster; this was actually a BTN interstitial.
2. Danny Hope defying his last name
like whoa.
3. Rich Rodriguez, obviously.
4. Pat Fitzgerald with the zinger!
5. Bret Bielema, who has not made a bold decision (hello, Cal-Poly) since.
6. Jim Tressel living up to Jones' assessment above.
7. Indiana's Bill Lynch, who believes the reason Tressel's won the conference four straight years is his press conference demeanor.
8. Mark Dantonio. No, seriously, Michigan State's head coach claimed "tradition" as a reason for success instead of a reason for inexplicably going 6-6.
9. Joe Paterno, obviously.
10. Kirk Ferentz, responding to the 11th question from the same dip about whether the SEC is ever going to lose a game again.
11. Ron Zook, apparently unaware Illinois went to the Rose Bowl two years ago.

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.