Updated throughout the day with quick takes from staff.
The latest school to show its mildly objectionable underbelly is South Carolina, which was FOIA'd into revealing a variety of secondary violations, amongst them the improbably petty "impermissible snacks." The NCAA will have none of your Fruit By The Foot, Gamecocks.
Well, we at The Sporting Blog have armies of lawyers*, patience for the process**, and complete and total inability to tell a lie***, so we FOIA'd the entire country in search of dastardly acts. A dossier of malfeasance revealed:
LSU: charged with "general enormity" for employing the services of 6'7", 370 pounds-on-a-diet-and-the-moon Herman Johnson.
Hawaii: guilty of "preposterous apostrophization"
Northwestern Louisiana State: assessed five-year bowl ban and reduced scholarships for the Reggie Bush case due to "peripheral unimportance"
Ohio State: socked with a "failure to execute" several hockey players who sneaked into a Nickelback concert, thus forfeiting their lives, fortune, and sacred honor in one fell swoop (seriously, this actually happened and was reported by OSU.)
USC: penalized for "illegal secretions" when it was discovered players were drinking Taylor Mays's sweat to enhance strength and speed.
Texas Tech: lost its boat license for "pillaging and looting" off the coast of Somalia and Corpus Christi
Washington: lost entire 2009 recruiting class for "hiring a golf pro" instead of a football coach
Oregon: censured for "illegal distribution" of hallucinogens to players and students in the form of mindbending uniforms.
Utah: fined by INS for "Samoan cramming"
All of this is obviously true, except for the USC stuff. The NCAA actually gave them a bubble bath after finding them guilty of being "incredibly, wonderfully pristine."
*(no lawyers)
**(no patience)
***(this is as much of a lie as Joan Rivers' face OH SNAP.)
(Impermissible snacks HT: The Joe Cribbs Car Wash)
This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.
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Primary violations, secondary violations…it doesn’t matter. Everyone cheats and the NCAA knows it, they just look the other way until a program does something stupid and gets caught.
Don’t be surprised when one day a university gets busted for washing their players regular street clothes along with the football uniforms. GASP!
by MarshallManiac on Jul 9, 2009 3:20 AM EDT reply actions
I have no idea what you had in mind here, Brian, but you are ideally equipped to review new rock cd’s or underground comic books. Did you know that? Something to keep in mind if you ever need a second career.
by LadyVolsLover on Jul 10, 2009 12:53 PM EDT reply actions
"I have no idea what you had in mind here, Brian, but you are ideally equipped to review new rock cd’s or underground comic books. Did you know that? Something to keep in mind if you ever need a second career."
Obviously, he does.
I read this article, hoping for an informative piece about real secondary violations around the FBS, which I thought would put UT’s 6 in perspective (like telling people about Ole Miss’ 5, etc.). Boy, was I disappointed. Turns out it’s just a piece of worthless stupidity that, BTW, wasn’t even funny (which I assume it was meant to be).
by Vol85 on Jul 11, 2009 1:15 PM EDT reply actions
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