Isiah Thomas Has the NCAA Rules Under Control

Florida International fans, if there are any, have suffered nothing but indignity since their school jumped into the deep end of college athletics with nothing more than some floaties. They've failed to ever notch a winning season in football, brawled with Miami, and cut their band and cheerleaders*.

Oh, and the basketball team sort of hired Isiah Thomas -- he's working for free -- to mold their program into a Knicks-like powerhouse. How's that going? Well, Thomas is learning the rules:

"It's educational," he said. "I'm learning a whole new set of rules from the difference between state institutions and private institutions, along with learning the rules within the NCAA."

The NCAA rule book has been considered daunting by many, but Thomas said, "it's no more confusing than the salary cap."

This seems like it will work out well.

Wait! What's this? A newspaper from the future?

MIAMI (AP) - It's over. Finally, it's over. At 9 AM this morning, a limb-strewn field in what had been a populous Miami suburb erupted in a ragged cheer as cleanup crews looked up from their morbid duties to witness the plume of jet fuel that took what had been Florida's fourth-largest university into the sun.

Thousands of victims' families breathed a sigh of relief as Florida International University was shot into space today after the NCAA rejected the Panthers' last appeal in the infractions case that rocked a nation.

"Never again," said NCAA president Myles Brand. "We will never forget."

Former FIU basketball head coach and President-elect Isiah Thomas had no comment, but did mention he was picking up the nuances of global geopolitics quickly. "It's no more confusing than the NCAA rule book," he said.

What's this? Another newspaper from the future?

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - APOCALYPSE

Ha ha not really -- there won't be newspapers in the future! But I do have a time machine and saw that online somewhere. No, seriously: I have a time machine.

*(The cheerleaders were saved after a bikini car wash. AMERICA! FIU bandos: do not try this at home, or in public.)

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.