The Mike Vick Experience, 2009 Remix

So, to update the ride for 2009: you're strapped into a chair, and then immersed in a world of freely spent cash, occasional brilliant plays, and nights filled with dogfighting. Then, after an injury, you come back, look mediocre in a West Coast offense, and all but get your coach fired while burning through every dime you have. All of this is rendered with the latest in theme park technology, so as to completely immerse you in the sensory experience of being Mike Vick. It's like you can actually smell the burning money and frightened dogflesh!

Then, gasp as you enter the eerily reconstructed Leavenworth prison, where an animatronic Tony Dungy tells you to hang in there while you wonder how in the hell this all happened. Finally, you make a few baffling bankruptcy filings detailing just how one does actually incinerate your financial empire singlehandedly, and then get out of prison.

Finally, thrill to the end of the ride as you end up sitting next to the Eagles' 2010 coach-to-be and current inconvenience Andy Reid, playing as a backup, bankrupt, and straining your eyes under the glare of so many flashbulbs wondering "What the hell just happened to me?"

What: you say no one would believe this theme park ride if they went on it? You're probably right, but that's why theme park rides are theme park rides, and reality is what it has always been: far weirder than anything you could think up in that tiny little noggin of yours, The Mike Vick Experience included.