This Week In Schadenfreude: Sept. 14

↵Right, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm insufferable in this one. ↵On Saturday, Michigan hit the quad, winning in dramatic fashion as all ↵three of their primary rivals went down in flames, the first time that's ↵happened since October 2004. The nature of Michigan's victory has ↵Notre Dame fans, well ... considering ↵some life changes: ↵

↵
↵⇥

There is no God. *

↵⇥by the ↵⇥Twerp ↵⇥(2009-09-12 19:48:59) ↵
↵

↵To paraphrase Tyler Durden, have you considered the possibility that ↵there is but he just doesn't like you very much? ↵

↵

↵I could spend the entire 2,000-word span of this column on nothing ↵but the wailing on the nuttiest of the Notre Dame message boards, and am ↵sorely tempted to, but there's so much else to get to. Just a few of ↵the most insane things, then? ↵

↵

↵Let's ↵hire ... ↵

↵
↵⇥Throw the bank at Saban, Swarbrick. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥by akaRonMexico ↵⇥(2009-09-12 19:26:53) ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥I don't care about the cost. I don't care about the supposed ↵⇥"ethical" issues. ↵
↵

↵... Nick Saban! Let's post non ↵sequiturs about Charlie Weis's ... ↵

↵
↵⇥8 Bad Coaching Errors ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥by so ↵⇥loirish ↵⇥(2009-09-12 19:37:16) ↵⇥

↵⇥  ↵⇥

↵⇥
↵⇥1 - cute, bullsh*t long passes when needing to run the clock. ↵⇥
↵⇥... ↵⇥
↵⇥7 - being a ridiculously, not just a little overweight, ↵⇥fat f---...your lack of personal discipline with your weight makes the ↵⇥players laugh behind your back. ↵⇥
↵⇥8 - Arrogance. ↵⇥
↵
↵

↵... slovenly appearance! And then there's this one-two ↵punch: ↵

↵
↵⇥This is the 1st time I've felt physically ill after a game ↵⇥
↵⇥by CentralValleyIrish ↵⇥(2009-09-12 22:10:02) ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥I've been angry, I've been violent, I've been ↵⇥irrational, I've cried (in my younger years), but I have never felt sick ↵⇥after a loss until today. ↵
↵

↵The spectacular reply: ↵

↵
↵⇥I feel ill after every game except for blowout wins * ↵⇥
↵⇥by ce ↵⇥njdomer ↵⇥(2009-09-12 22:22:33) ↵
↵

↵That guy has spent 15 years in agony. Notre Dame, obviously, is ↵your Tears of Unfathomable Sadness winner. The rest of ↵the week in spleen after the jump. ↵

↵ ↵

BIG TEN

↵

↵Michigan State thought it turned a corner last year ↵when Mark Dantonio's team, despite getting outgained in conference play, ↵won a vast smorgasbord of close games. State's traditional "this is ↵why you're Michigan State" antics disappeared. More than that, ↵Dantonio seemed to have some weird juju where he would cause opponents ↵to Sparty games away, most prominently when Bret Bielema generously ↵called timeout to set up a game-winning MSU field goal. ↵

↵

↵Yeah ... about that: ↵

↵
↵
↵

↵  ↵

↵ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵ ↵
↵
↵I don't think that tops the epic "MAKE PLAYS" game, but it's ↵a close second. That brings the all-time Central Michigan-Michigan State ↵series to 4-3 in favor of the Spartans and sets off a round of "oh ↵God, we're Michigan State" moaning from the Red Cedar Message ↵Board, the Death Star of Michigan State message boards. As of this ↵writing there's an 837-comment "tOfficial ↵Meltdown Thread" that collects your freude in one ↵convenient place. Before we start, note that Michigan State just agreed ↵to play the three directional Michigan schools on the road (they're all ↵3-for-1 deals). And ... start: ↵
↵⇥Thumbs up ↵⇥I SOOOO happy we agreed to play these guys at their ↵⇥place!! ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥

↵⇥ ↵⇥
↵⇥such a great idea!!! I can't wait for that game. It's win, win!! ↵⇥Showing the state the we care about football!! ↵⇥

↵
↵

↵If you hit the link, note the time, and the next post that states ↵"this team has issues... a one point win over CMU." ↵It ↵has not yet occurred. Onside ↵kick: ↵

↵
↵⇥ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME!!! ↵⇥

↵⇥  ↵⇥

↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥ ↵
↵

↵(That post was followed by a half-dozen others using multiples of ↵that fantastic emoticon, oh what the hell, one ↵more: ↵

↵
↵⇥Meltdown alert.. the board is officially on Melt Down ↵⇥Alert ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥ ↵
↵

↵... and MSU still leads here. (Run around, little blob! Run around!) ↵Aaaand then: ↵

↵
↵⇥Thumbs down ↵⇥My most embarrassing moment as a Spartan. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥This is absolutely pathetic. Completely inexcusible. I will not ↵⇥support this crap. ↵
↵

↵Aaand then: ↵

↵
↵⇥11-1 at best ↵
↵

↵Yes, I LOLed. Dirty confession coming up: the RCMB is kind of great. ↵There's like 20 ↵more pages of it. ↵

↵

↵Elsewhere in Events That Made Ann Arbor Happy, Ohio ↵State lost to USC, continuing their fall from national grace. ↵Once big-game money -- people forget that before Florida pantsed them in ↵that national championship game Ohio State had won three consecutive BCS ↵bowls and like a zillion games against Michigan -- Ohio State has now lost ↵six straight against Top 5 opponents, and it basically looks like their remaining ↵schedule is a bunch of losers who are just setting them up to extend ↵that streak. It's bad enough that you don't have to get past the blogs ↵to get material. Eleven Warriors ↵fantastically titles a post "Moral Victories are for those that ↵Delight In Fear" and leads ↵off like so: ↵

↵
↵⇥I'd like to apologize in advance for any abrasiveness you might ↵⇥encounter below. I like to pride myself as a glass is half full type of ↵⇥guy, but right about now, the glass is precariously low and smells like ↵⇥piss. ↵
↵

↵Dude, no worries, that's just a Natty Lite. Shotgun that and open ↵another. 11W, perhaps prompted by a certain other quarterback I'm going ↵to be insufferable about all week, sees a "once in a decade ↵talent" proving himself something less, at least for now: ↵

↵
↵⇥Pryor was given every opportunity to get his first signature win, but ↵⇥did not deliver. He will probably get it sooner than later, but right ↵⇥now he's the pet project of a coach that has a nice little string of big ↵⇥game flops going for him (six straight to top five opponents). And the ↵⇥pet project isn't coming along as quickly as it should be. ↵
↵

↵This is where I'm contractually obligated to point out that at this ↵point in his sophomore year Troy Smith was terrible beyond belief and it ↵wasn't until the Michigan game that he exploded into a violent death ↵phoenix and future Heisman winner. So ... maybe premature. ↵

↵

BIG 12

↵

↵Dan Hawkins may be the only coach in the country more fired than Al ↵Groh, about whom more later, after Colorado opened the ↵season 0-2 against teams from the Mountain West and MAC, with the MAC ↵loss a largely uncompetitive contest with a final margin of 16 points. ↵Unfortunately for you, reader, Colorado's moved past anger into resignation ↵and coaching search discussions: ↵

↵
↵⇥Yes, it's no longer an angry feeling. It's sadness, embarrassment and ↵⇥disbelief. The light at the end of the tunnel looks to be years ↵⇥away...again. ↵
↵

↵Hah no just ↵kidding: ↵

↵
↵⇥I can't even believe I am a Buff fan at this point. Never been more ↵⇥embarrassed to represent any of my NFL, NBA, MLB or NCAA teams. I hope ↵⇥Dan Hawkins gets his s--- canned asap. This is unreal. CU football has ↵⇥it rock bottom and I do mean rock bottom. I have been drinking heavily ↵⇥since the end of the game and I don't blame myself at all. This is as ↵⇥low as it gets. Go straight to hell Hawkins, go straight to hell. ↵
↵

↵"I have been drinking heavily and don't blame myself at ↵all." College football, ladies and gentlemen! ↵

↵

↵Bill Snyder's return to Kansas State is off to a ↵rocky start after the Wildcats dropped a game to Louisiana-Lafayette. ↵Here's "Blue Blaster" before the ↵game: ↵

↵
↵⇥

↵⇥Internet Pukes= fair wx fans  ↵⇥

↵⇥
↵⇥

↵⇥Ive read the fair weather fans revised predictions on this board and ↵⇥it makes me sick. ↵⇥
↵⇥CATS WIN BIG TOMORROW,  
↵⇥O will ↵⇥surprise ↵⇥
↵⇥and ↵⇥
↵⇥D finds its identity ↵⇥
↵⇥freakin Intern Pukes make me sick ↵⇥
↵⇥Go roll a spliff in the parkin lot with Cajun pot head friends ↵⇥

↵
↵

↵He has not returned since. ↵

↵

↵And T. Boone Pickens learned that money can't buy happiness over ↵the weekend when suddenly Top-5 (wha?) Oklahoma ↵State blew up and lost to a CUSA team by 10. ↵

↵

BIG EAST

↵

↵Not much to be had here, what with the only losses by teams who ↵expected to lose to Top-25 competition. However, the nature of ↵UConn's loss -- a blown 10-point lead and late go-ahead ↵safety for North Carolina -- is a stomach punch. Take it ↵away, UConn Blog: ↵

↵
↵⇥G-d damned epic. May I count the ways? ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥1) A safety on a holding penalty in the end zone on a 3rd-and-long ↵⇥play that had no hope of being successful anyway. ... ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥5) NO DID I MENTION A SAFETY IN THE END ZONE ON 3RD AND A MILLION GOD ↵⇥I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW AWFUL A PLAY THAT IS ... ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥

↵⇥7) A defensive line that tired because of injury and the fact that ↵⇥the offense scored 10 POINTS AND REALLY 8 POINTS WHEN YOU COUNT THE ↵⇥SAFETY ON 3RD AND A MILLION. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥Frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating. God damn it, that's ↵⇥frustrating. ↵⇥

↵
↵

↵I believe the word of the day is "frustrating." Also maybe ↵"million." ↵

↵

ACC

↵

↵Virginia featured in this space last week, but they ↵just got hammered by TCU, opening the season 0-2 against non-BCS ↵opponents. The message boards are no doubt summing up the last weeks of ↵the Al Groh era by meticulously parodying Thomas Jefferson's letters to ↵Ben Franklin, so we'll just skip to the direct metaphor: ↵

↵
↵ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵ ↵
↵

↵A horse is worth ten thousand words. ↵

↵

↵Elsewhere, Clemson staged a thrilling comeback ↵against Georgia Tech, and then blew it, causing Block C to remember the bad old day ↵last year in the same place and ask a question ↵many Tiger fans are probably wondering about: ↵

↵
↵⇥What the f--- is it about us getting d---ed in Atlanta for the world ↵⇥to see on ESPN ↵
↵

↵No question mark. He's done with this sentiment. ↵

↵

↵This is a week-old game, but Florida State haters will enjoy this ↵animated gif of Christian ↵Ponder's heart ripping in half. ↵

↵

↵PAC-10 ↵

↵

↵Slim pickings after the state of Oregon's escapes against UNLV and ↵Purdue. Stanford did take one on the chin from ↵Wake Forest in the third year of Jim Harbaugh's tenure, but the ↵sparsely-populated Cardinal message boards are weirdly full of all-caps ↵posts like "CONGRA ↵TS ↵TO WAKE FOREST, THEY CLAWED SCRATCHED AND GOUGED." There is ↵this: ↵

↵
↵⇥AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
↵⇥RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!! ↵⇥!!
  ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥I'm so sick of our spineless defense that can never come through when ↵⇥the game is on the line. ↵
↵

↵This gets a decidedly Stanford response, bold mine: ↵

↵
↵⇥They looked like eunuchs in the second half. Anytime a play needed to ↵⇥be made, Wake Forest made it, and Stanford didn't. ↵⇥
↵⇥And that sdjflasfjslfj god damned BS clipping penalty. ↵⇥Remind me again why we even go to these sticky redneck towns ↵⇥that make us wake up at sunrise on a Saturday to watch inbred officials ↵⇥butcher the most key plays of the game? ↵⇥
↵⇥All that's left is to give them payback when they come here next ↵⇥season. ↵
↵

↵BONUS: Dude used "eunuchs" and spelled it right. If ↵Virginia and Stanford are going to feature all year due to suck, this is ↵going to be the best-spelled season of TWIS ever. ↵

↵

SEC

↵

↵At this point in his career, South Carolina coach ↵Steve Spurrier seems like a sympathetic figure... unless you happen to ↵be a fan of any of the SEC teams he regularly hammered, which was all of ↵them, or Miami or Florida State. Or the Redskins. Revision: across large ↵swaths of the Midwest that never felt his sting directly and got a lot ↵of exposure to the OBC's awesome "click clack" Under Armour ↵commercial, Steve Spurrier is now a sympathetic figure. Everyone else ↵will get a thrill out of these Georgia state troopers partying ↵down and giving each other fist bumps when South Carolina finally ↵goes down to defeat in Athens: ↵

↵ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵ ↵

↵I'm pretty sure Spurrier saw that, too, but couldn't attack them ↵because they're the ones with the guns. Lo siento, OBC. ↵

↵

↵And, finally, Alabama actually won this game and it ↵didn't even happen this week and it's already been all ↵over the internet but on the off chance there's anyone out there who ↵hasn't seen "Ricky's Rant," this column is duty-bound to bring ↵it to you (language is extremely NSFW): ↵

↵
↵

↵  ↵

↵ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵ ↵
↵

↵Ricky is your Scott Tenorman of the Week. And with ↵that, we're out. May next week be half as awesome as this week. ↵

↵

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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