This Week In Schadenfreude: Sept. 8

↵This Week In Schadenfreude chronicles the rended garments, ↵destroyed lives, and all-caps, more-misspelled-than-not internet bile ↵generated by college football every weekend. It endeavors to pull the ↵most preposterous items from the great unvarnished yonder; no fan base ↵should feel judged. Except LSU's.
↵
↵

↵

↵ ↵

↵

↵Oklahoma's opening pratfall falls well short of one particular ↵season-opener I can remember, but only under hypnosis (it rhymes with ↵"Mappalacian Mate"), but that doesn't mean losing your Heisman-winning quarterback and your season opener doesn't suck in ↵mind-exploding ways. Exhibit ↵A: ↵

↵
↵⇥Bob Stoops is no Barry Switzer ↵
↵

↵This, you might be surprised to find out, is a criticism. And it's ↵echoed by like the next three guys ("You are absolutely ↵right," "Bob brings in great talent but I am really beginning ↵to wonder if he knows how to use it" "methinks we need the ↵likes of leach and mangino prowling the sidelines as ↵assistants...") before someone mentions, oh, I don't know, Switzer ↵getting run out of town by the NCAA and inaugurating Oklahoma's long ↵period outside the national picture. (Switzer's successor ↵went 2-15-1 against Texas, Nebraska, and Colorado as Oklahoma struggled ↵through massive NCAA sanctions.) ↵

↵

↵Eh... well, sort of: ↵

↵
↵⇥No one is the king. Jesus could be OUr coach and we'd complain! ↵
↵

↵I was going to correct that typo until it dawned on me that this guy ↵probably capitalizes every OU he ever runs across: OUr, yOUr, sinuOUs... ↵okay, probably not that last one. ↵

↵

↵ ↵

↵

↵Bereft of national title hopes, adrift without Sam Bradford and ↵probably starting ↵Kip Dynamite at quarterback for the foreseeable future, Oklahoma is ↵an easy debut Tears of ↵Unfathomable Sadness victor. ↵

↵ ↵

BIG TEN

↵

↵Illinois fans ... you are coached by Ron Zook. There ↵is ↵one ↵reasonable response to this: ↵

↵
↵⇥Q: Horrible. Is Benn (and everyone else who was injured) going to be ↵⇥okay? Is there any hope for the season? ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥A: No and no. Get out the razor blades and roll up the sleeves. ↵
↵

↵And it wouldn't be TWIS without some guy with an extremely ↵tenuous grasp of and great enthusiasm for punctuation: ↵

↵
↵⇥The whole team looked unprepared and sluggish !! Our offense was ↵⇥supposed to carry us until the defense could gel !! 9 ↵⇥points...........thats it....9 F'n points !! 0-4 start...you betcha !! ↵⇥Starting to wonder if we got ZOOKED !! ↵
↵

↵ATTN: Tenuous Enthusiastic punctuation guy. According to the Urban ↵Dictionary, "zooked" ↵means "hyper, high strung, full of energy," "stoned to ↵the point of feeling paralyzed," or "fresh, super swagg." ↵So, yes, you guys are totally zooked if we're going with definition ↵#2. ↵

↵

↵Ohio State didn't meet humiliating defeat, but they ↵weren't far off before intercepting a two-point conversion attempt that ↵would have tied the game with two minutes left. I in no way endorse ↵this point of view and think it's crazy to even contemplate, but it's ↵out there and must be brought to the world at large: ↵

↵
↵⇥USC is going to beat us 45-0. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥But goddamn, I've never, ever felt so relieved. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥That wasn't pretty. In fact, it was frequently ugly after the third ↵⇥quarter. My balls shriveled. My eyes watered. That Pryor pick? Instant ↵⇥swampa##. I don't know what to think. In fact, I'd rather not think at ↵⇥all. I'd like to be a mindless, heartless drone right now. ↵
↵

↵That's We Will Always Have ↵Tempe fretting about Jim Tressel's slight decline over the last five ↵years. But that's not the crazy part. This, which follows a bunch of ↵uncomfortably close scores in recent years from Michigan and Ohio State, ↵is the crazy part: ↵

↵
↵⇥I'm not saying Jim Tressel is Lloyd Carr, but ... what ↵⇥separates Lloyd Carr in say, 2002 or 2003, from Jim Tressel right now? ↵⇥This is a line of thought I've been seriously following for the better ↵⇥part of a year now. I'd like some input from Michigan fans on this. Very ↵⇥soon - September 19th? - this could come back to bite Tressel in ↵⇥the rear. ↵
↵

↵It is a little creepy: Michigan won a national title in '97 and was a ↵pretty regular BCS participant or threat for the next five years until ↵Tressel came to town. Ohio State won a national title in '02 and was a ↵more consistent BCS participant/threat for the next five years. But, ↵dude: Toledo just lost to Purdue by 21. I'm a Michigan fan, and I dearly ↵hope to write about this in a future edition of This Week In ↵Schadenfreude, but ... no. Not happening. ↵

↵

BIG EAST

↵

↵So, Rutgers, how's ↵that renaissance going? ↵

↵
↵⇥I swear, that's as close as I've ever seen to a real live game ↵⇥resembling an online XBOX360 NCAA 09 match featuring a cheeser vs. a ↵⇥n00b. ↵
↵

↵Ah, not so well. Do you ↵guys remember that before Schiano arrived and pounded out four ↵consecutive winning seasons, the last time Rutgers had finished above ↵.500 was 1992? ↵

↵
↵⇥ ↵⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥ ↵⇥
Shiano should have ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥taken the Michigan Job while he had the chance.Reply
↵⇥
↵⇥I think if we ↵⇥ever win the big east(and i'm only setting my bar that high) it will be ↵⇥in spite of him. ↵
↵

↵Ah, not so much. (Well, not this guy. He does get taken apart by ↵responders.) ↵

↵

↵Aaand it's not TWIS without some ↵guy writing in all caps: ↵

↵
↵⇥ ↵⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥⇥ ↵⇥⇥ ↵⇥
FRUSTRATED EMBARASSED ↵⇥⇥⇥⇥DEPRESSED :( - I WAITED 9 MONTHS FOR THIS!Reply
↵⇥
↵⇥WHY GS ...WHY??? ↵⇥- HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO US???? GET SOME REAL COACHES WHO CAN ACTUALLY ↵⇥PUT TOGETHER A GAME PLAN AND UTILIZE THE TALENT THAT YOU HAVE!! ---AND ↵⇥CAN MAKE GAME TIME ADJUSTMENTS...BECAUSE YOU NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN ↵⇥GET..AND YOUR STAFF IS DIV III COACHES!!!! WHY O WHY GS HAVE YOU CAUSED ↵⇥US SO MUCH PAIN WITH THIS DEBACLE. ↵
↵

↵THE WISE AND POWERFUL SCHIANO REJECTS YOUR ENTREATY. ↵

↵

BIG 12

↵

↵There's a strict hierarchy of crazy anger on the internet that starts ↵with message board folk like our all-caps friend above, moves up through ↵a panoply of blogs from blogger templates to quasi-actual media outlets, ↵and then finally settles in with the Actual Media. When the Actual Media ↵has turned on you with nasty big pointy sharp teeth (and the fans are ↵already howling for blood), your time in DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL is short, ↵brother. Colorado and Dan Hawkins, your time ↵is short: ↵

↵
↵⇥You mean to tell me Dan Hawkins is going to risk his job as CU ↵⇥football coach with his son playing quarterback and ballyhooed recruit ↵⇥Darrell Scott sitting on the bench? ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥That's madness. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥When time expired on Colorado State's 23-17 victory against the ↵⇥Buffaloes, Hawkins officially went on the clock. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥Tick, tick, tick. ↵
↵

↵Hey, wow, that's a Denver Post columnist sounding like ↵FRUSTRATED EMBARRASSED DEPRESSED above with an editor. Can blogs top this? ↵

↵
↵⇥I never thought I would feel this stupid after a football game. ... ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥But who am I to question anything to do with the high and mighty ↵⇥Colorado football program who have been so successful the past four ↵⇥years that they can overlook the Colorado State Rams at home in Boulder. ↵⇥I am just internet scum who doesn't know anything about anything. ↵
↵

↵Okay, yes, the internet can always top anything. ↵

↵

↵(HT: Doctor ↵Saturday.) ↵

↵

ACC

↵

↵As usual, there's a rich vein of sorrow to mine in the most ↵perpetually chaotic conference of them all, but ↵Virginia's humiliating loss to William & Mary would ↵have been good enough for the Tears of Infinite Sadness if not for ↵Oklahoma losing its quarterback and its season 30 minutes into the BYU ↵game. It is never, never, never good when the first thing you run across ↵on a message board for the team is titled "Okay, ↵so now do you believe Colin Cowherd?" Anonymous internet guy, ↵no, I don't believe Colin Cowherd, nor do I believe that Cowherd has ↵ever once talked about Virginia football. But mmm this is good rant: ↵

↵
↵⇥William & Mary's D line ate our O line up and spat them out, ↵⇥while we put relatively little pressure on RJ Archer - that local kid ↵⇥who wasn't good enough for Al "three mediocre quarterbacks are ↵⇥better than none" Groh. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥Our AD and administration overrewarded the coach for consecutive ↵⇥victories in a low-mid level bowl and then made a short-range financial ↵⇥decision to retain his services in the wake of a very poor 2006 season. ↵⇥The flat performance in the Gator Bowl only served to illustrate what a ↵⇥fluke (and tribute to Chris Long) the 2007 season was. What does it say ↵⇥that the powers that be have settled for the worst off-season ↵⇥preparation in FBS? What does it say that they've settled for a coach ↵⇥who clearly cannot assemble a complete staff? ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥Most importantly, what good can possibly come from retaining a coach ↵⇥who clearly cannot recruit and develop a premiere quarterback? ↵
↵

↵You can tell these are Virginia fans. No typos, well reasoned, ↵probably could be included as a cover letter in your UVA law school app. ↵And yes, like Colorado, Virginia boards have already ↵canceled the season and started salivating about Brian Kelly and ↵others: ↵

↵
↵⇥Tuberville  ↵⇥--  Roanoke90 Tue Sep 8 2009 10:06:51 AM ↵⇥

↵⇥  ↵⇥

↵⇥

↵⇥Brian ↵⇥Kelly would be a dream hire at this point. **  --  ↵⇥WahooDB Tue Sep 8 2009 10:11:46 AM ↵⇥

↵⇥

↵⇥Though ↵⇥I can't imagine why he'd want to leave UC... He can own that ↵⇥conference  --  CharlestonSC Tue Sep 8 2009 ↵⇥10:15:47 AM ↵⇥

↵⇥

↵⇥Kelly ↵⇥big fat new contract. not coming here. could have got him 2 yrs ago ↵⇥**  --  belocki Tue Sep 8 2009 10:17:47 ↵⇥AM ↵⇥

↵
↵

↵Man, it's rough when you're uncertain if you can poach Cincinnati's ↵coach. ↵

↵

↵Elsewhere in the ACC, Maryland blog Hell In A Red ↵Shell has a brief ↵list of things that didn't go very well for the Terps against ↵Cal: ↵

↵
↵⇥Things Maryland did poorly last night: ↵⇥
    ↵⇥⇥
  • Tackling
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Pressuring the quarterback
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Blocking on the offensive line
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Covering receivers
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Not having stupid, drive killing penalties
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Converting in the red zone
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Preventing big plays from Cal's playmakers
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Holding rushers to under 10ypc averages (Best averaged over 13 ypc) ↵⇥⇥
  • ↵⇥⇥
  • Playing the game of football in a non-embarrassing manner on ↵⇥⇥national TV.
  • ↵⇥
↵
↵

↵Shell Games has a brief explanation for why ↵this might be: ↵

↵
↵⇥When the broadcasters were introducing the starters, they didn't even ↵⇥have a name to announce for the right guard. It just said "three-man ↵⇥rotation." The old saying goes that "when you've got two quarterbacks, ↵⇥you've got no quarterbacks." And I guess the same thing goes for when ↵⇥you have three right guards; that whole side of the line was like wet ↵⇥cardboard all night, as evidenced by the six sacks and the constant QB ↵⇥pressure they allowed, combined with the running game's inability to ↵⇥really get going. ↵
↵

↵Though Shell Games advocates against all-caps PANIC, I'm betting ↵Maryland will be a frequent visitor to this space throughout the ↵upcoming year. ↵

↵

↵Finally, Virginia Tech blog College Game Balls tried to avoid ↵placement in the column but failed: ↵

↵
↵⇥99% of Alabama fans are class acts. One old timer asked me as we were ↵⇥walking out, "What's a Hokie?" As I began to answer he quickly ↵⇥interjected and said "a damn loser!" Enjoy death old man. ↵
↵

↵A noble effort, though. ↵

↵

SEC

↵

↵The biggest loss of the weekend in the Greatest Conference Evah was ↵Georgia going down to Oklahoma State. Unfortunately, ↵Georgia bloggers are vast in number and also almost entirely reasonable. ↵This is about ↵it as far as bile goes on the Dawg blogs: ↵

↵
↵⇥So yeah, it was a bad afternoon, made that much more worse by the ↵⇥fact that we still don't know how much trouble we're in just yet. ↵⇥We could be the kind of 2006-mediocre where we lose a couple games to ↵⇥teams we have no business losing to but are still solid enough to ↵⇥regroup to an inspiring finish and nine wins, or we could be bad ↵⇥bad enough to be entering the stretch run in November still wondering ↵⇥how we're gonna put together six wins and back our way into the ↵⇥Papajohns.com Bowl. ↵
↵

↵Which isn't really bile at all, it's just fact. Fortunately, Georgia ↵also has a vast array of completely crazy message boards titled ↵"Dawg Vent/Rant/Yell Loud/Incoherent Noises/It's Like Nascar." ↵This guy wants to "FIRE ↵RICHT" as per usual on the internet but is largely agreed with ↵instead of laughed at. Usually a non-dead-meat coach will see a thread ↵like this met with hostility. This just just gets the headbanging ↵smiley. Another ↵thread from the same guy: ↵

↵
↵⇥Now that we know this season is over,   ↵⇥(Posted on 9/7 at 1:29 p.m.) ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥(except for the disneydawgs who cling ↵⇥to CMR & company), what the hell do we do for the next three months? ↵
↵

↵Does this get shot down? Eh, not so much: ↵

↵
↵⇥I was wondering the same thing. I am not sure what there is to do. ↵⇥I'll still watch the games, but this time without any hope for a decent ↵⇥season. Before Saturday I felt sure we would still be a 9 win team, but ↵⇥now I am not sure we are a 3 win team. Hell me may take TT [Tennessee ↵⇥Tech] to the wire. ↵
↵

↵This, however, is nowhere near the worst of it. Here's your ↵Scott Tenorman of the Week: ↵

↵
↵⇥

↵⇥JOE COX IS AN EMBARASSMENT   (Posted on 9/5 at 5:26 p.m.) ↵⇥

↵⇥
↵⇥

↵⇥GIVE ME A G*******D BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!! ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥THIS GUY COULDN'T START FOR ALABAMA A&T..HE'S A P***Y..ANYBODY ↵⇥ON THIS BOARD THAT DEFENDS HIM IS A dumba*** AND I'LL BE HAPPY TO ↵⇥INTRODUCE YOUR NOSE TO YOUR PROSTATE ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥THIS IS THE MOST PATHETIC DEFENSE THAT WE WILL FACE THIS YEAR ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥OSU WILL WIN 31-7..JOE COX WILL STILL BE A SUCK THE *** OUT OF A ↵⇥GOAT QB AND WILL STILL BE CMR'S BUTT BOY .. ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥wtf HE'S STILL IN THE G*******D GAME FIRE RICHT IMMEDIATELY ↵⇥
↵⇥
↵⇥UGA GOES 6-6 THIS YEAR ↵⇥

↵
↵

↵Aaaaahhhh my parents are dead my parents are dead I ate them and then ↵posted in all caps on the internet noooo. ↵

↵

PAC-10

↵

↵Oregon blog Addicted to Quack would like to ↵know who you ↵are and what you've done with Jeremiah Masoli, but he knows the ↵answer: you've made him suck, you naughty boy you. Everyone else just ↵wants to see the FALCON PUNCH again so here you go: ↵

↵

↵ ↵

↵

↵FALCON PUNCH! ↵

↵

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.