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SB Nation Trading Cards: No. 1-7, Featuring Gil Arenas vs. Aaron Burr Insert!

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SB Nation Trading Cards: No. 1-7, Featuring Gil Arenas vs. Andrew Burr Insert!

Over the past decade, many sports card companies have shuttered their doors. What's to blame? The artificially-inflated value system perpetuated by price guides? The increasingly gimmicky approach to the hobby that resulted in cards made of wood or swatches of game-used cloth? The price of a pack of cards, which vaulted from 50 cents in the early '90s to several dollars today?

Whatever the reason, sports cards were once a ubiquitous American institution, but are no longer. The nostalgia associated with opening a pack of cards, though, is something that will always stay with us. Remember that 1989 Topps Gregg Jefferies card, the back of which said, "Gregg's workout regimen includes swinging a lead bat underwater?" The wild-and-wacky 1988 Fleer Tim Flannery card that showed him holding up a surfboard (he's a baseball player, not a surfer!)? These moments are halcyonic and immortal, and at a certain point in your life, busting through a cellophane pack was one of life's greater thrills.

Surely the era of sports cards is not finished. Surely there's more fun to be had. With this in mind, I'm rolling out a series of SB Nation-issue collectible sports cards. They're free. More cards will be released each week. This is a last-ditch effort to salvage the childhood hobby we remember and love.

If there are any players, coaches, front office figures, or Mark Lemkes you would like to see featured in this set, by all means, leave a comment.

Charles Woodson, #1

       
   

The complaints that Darrelle Revis should have been Defensive Player of the Year are well taken, but it should be noted that in the Packers' Cover 3 defense, Charles is assigned an area of about three square kilometers. In addition to covering every eligible receiver, he must also maintain the stadium's concession stands, man parking booths, and deter crime in the surrounding neighborhood. In the 2009 playoffs, he was unable to prevent Larry Fitzgerald's crucial touchdown reception because a lady who lived nearby needed help re-arranging her living room furniture. The Packers lost, but the room's layout is a major improvement. Really. You walk into it, and it's like, bang! So much more space to work with.

 

 

 

Jim Zorn, #2

       
   

Jim knew his days as head coach of the Redskins were numbered. In light of this, his coaching strategy near the end resembled that of a kid who is about to stop playing a video game, but decides to screw around for a few moments before turning off the Xbox. On December 21, 2009, with his team losing to the New York Giants 24-0 near the half, Jim's mother told him to go wash his hands for supper. He promptly called one of the oddest plays ever -- a fake field goal attempt with all his receivers on one side and no offensive line. It failed miserably. Jim then hit the start button, selected a broadsword from his inventory, and started swinging wildly at nearby characters "just to see what would happen."

 

 

 

INSERT CARD: Stat Breakdown (Gilbert Arenas, Aaron Burr), #3

         
 
Challenged duel to
Washington, DC colleague
Washington, DC colleague
 
 
Gun loaded with
---
Musket ball
 
 
Person killed
---
Founding Father
 
 
Consequence
Criminal charges
Being Vice President still
 
 
Post-duel quote
"i think soul plane is funny..well just kevin hart..."
"Had I read Sterne more and Voltaire less, I should have known the world was wide enough for Hamilton and me."
 
   

 

Pete Carroll, #4

       
   

Pete Carroll's move to Seattle has shaken up America's social structure. The vacant USC coaching job was filled by Lane Kiffin, creating a vacancy at Tennessee, which will be filled by, I don't know, the head coach at Alcorn State or whoever. As a result, this vacancy will be...right, right, sorry, I'll skip to the bottom. The worst job in America, that of the drive-thru operator in a Toledo-area White Castle with a non-functioning drive-thru car sensor, has been filled by...you! Remember, you have no way of knowing whether a car has pulled up, so you must repeat the phrase, "Welcome to White Castle, may I take your order?" every five seconds for your entire shift. You're late for work! Go!

 

 

 

Aroldis Chapman, #5

     
 

Aroldis, the offseason's most coveted prospect, was finally signed by the Reds. Will he be the most famous man named Chapman ever to set foot on a diamond? He's up against some stiff competition.
Ray Chapman:  Suffered fatal injury when hit in head by pitch, team carried him off and kept playing
Fred Chapman: Nicknamed "Chappie" on account of how bad he was at baseball
Travis Chapman: Only plate appearance was a flyout off Jung Bong; almost certainly authored his own Wikipedia article
Jack Chapman: Played in 1870s, nicknamed "Death To Flying Things" because people were dumb then
Aroldis Chapman: Dude is really good, but his last name is actually Chapman de la Cruz, so nevermind I guess

 

 

 

Ndamukong Suh, #6

       
   

[begin transcript] "Hey, they were talking about Mark Ingram on First Take earlier. Kinda wish Tebow had won the Heisman but... (reaches for Dixie cup) Ingram's still pretty good. I saw him in a few games this year, he fit real well into Steve Sabol's offensive scheme. Oh, Nick Saban, yeah. (leans over water cooler) Who do you figure is gonna go first in the draft? Huh, who's he? S-U-H? I'll get one of my kids to Yahoo him and see what he can come up with. All right, Gary. Well, I gotta get back to my desk and be in charge of the St. Louis Rams some more. You going to the cookout Saturday? Yeah, I'm not sure if we're going either. My son's got a Cub Scout thing and" [end transcript]

 

 

  

Peyton Manning, #7

       
   

In addition to being one of the very greatest quarterbacks ever, Peyton is also the most boring person in the world. His pregame ritual is a prime example: he sits in his kitchen eating boiled, unflavored oatmeal, staring blankly at a painting of ducks flying over a pond as his meal dribbles down his chin and onto his polo shirt. His favorite song is the default Nokia ringtone, his favorite television show is Everybody Loves Raymond, and for fun he likes to sit down with a pen and sheet of paper and see how straight of a line he can draw. He's getting really good at that.

 

 


 

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