Fake Scoop Jackson Meets Rick Reilly And Bill Simmons

In a forthcoming issue of ESPN Magazine, Rick Reilly has a column about Kurt Warner. His message is immaterial. It’s the means which bear investigating.

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Below, Reilly’s introduction and a response from our very own Fake Scoop Jackson:

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Kurt Warner. Flattened like a tortilla. Can hardly breathe. Every rib howling. Wife watching. Can’t breathe either. And they pile on. Four of them. Pain doubles. Pain like passing a softball through your kidney. No penalty flag. No nothing.

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Of course, this was in Warner’s Arizona living room. Monday. With four of his kids.

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Yeah, you’re listening, but are you hearing me? America. Home of the free. Land of the brave.

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Sentence fragments for emphasis.

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WE made it, THEY stole it. Kurt Warner, and family, and God. America. Middle America. But we're talking about writing styles here. Chuuuch.

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Not dental metaphors. Not dental metaphors. But writing styles. Co-opted by you know who.

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Reilly_medium

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Rick Reilly. Scoop makes it, and Rick steps up to take it. America. Same old song, yall.

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And what's that? Simmons thinks like Lebron:

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Hey Baron! What up, dog! Watch this, I'm gonna make a half-court shot with my eyes closed ... DAMN! Just missed it. You know what I really feel like doing? Jumping on Shaq's back. Look out, Big Fella, eeeeeeeeeeee-yah!!!!!!!

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Hey Bill! Lebron's not your DOG, bro. In that vernacular, you spell it d-a-w-g. That's outside your comfort zone, huh? Can't roll with the big dogs? Stay on the porch, brother. You think you know, but you have no idea. Same old song.

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You listening yet? Holla if ya hear me, yall.

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