2. H.O.R.S.E. Heaven: The Ideal Candidates For All-Star Weekend

As Mike Prada noted yesterday, H.O.R.S.E. is returning to All-Star Weekend this year. The NBA’s release is redundant, but included just because PR People never fail to be a caricature of themselves:

H.O.R.S.E. presented by GEICO will return and will now be featured in prime time on Saturday, Feb. 13 at 7 p.m. (ET). The competition will showcase three NBA players challenging each other with thrilling moves and creative shot-making skills in a classic basketball competition. Participants for the event will be announced at a later date.

Thrilling moves! Creative shot-making skills! Will there be a fundamentals montage?!

In any case, a lot of folks have been throwing around their ideal candidates, so I had to weigh in.

  1. Steve Nash. He’s already been established as the funniest person in the league, but he’d also bring soccer skills to this competition. Have you ever kicked a basketball into the hoop? No? Well, Steve Nash definitely has. He’s also one of the best shooters in the league, so there’s that. But really, if there’s one player who needs to be included in this sort of thing, it’s Steve Nash.
  2. Tim Duncan. While Nash is the most deserving candidate for H-O-R-S-E, if Javaris Crittendon were holding a gun to my head, Duncan would be my choice to win a league-wide game. But we’ll get to that part. Duncan’s also one of the most sneakily charismatic players in the league, following the Peyton Manning corollary of “plays so boring we forget to notice he’s really cool.” If he were mic’d up, Tim Duncan wouldn’t disappoint in the trash talking department. BUT ALSO, he can hit threes from anywhere on the court, and as far as banking shots in, there’s nobody in history that’s been as effective or as clever as Tim Duncan. You’re telling me he wouldn’t be unbeatable in H-O-R-S-E?
  3. Rasheed Wallace. Included, first and foremost, because he’s hilarious. His ability to entertain the crowd would be unparalleled, even by someone like Nash. But unlike the other two—both Duncan and Nash seem slavishly dedicated to practicing fundamentals—you get the feeling that ‘Sheed has spent at least 30% of his career NBA practices working on trick shots. I wouldn’t rule anything out. Shooting from the tunnel, behind the baskets, on top of the Dallas Cowboys scoreboard.. Anything. Too bad David Stern is more likely to have ’Sheed executed than include him in something like this.

So, those are my three. It’d be the most entertaining competition in history; the H-O-R-S-E equivalent to the ‘88 Dunk Contest. And while we’re here, I’d like to petition Stern to include Teddy Dupay. First, because he’d be f—king amazing at H-O-R-S-E, but also because a marijuna advocate absolutely MUST be at All-Star Weekend.

Duncan_medium

Yes, Duncan's a whiny bastard on the court. But he’s also the best H-O-R-S-E player ever.

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