Five Ways NASCAR Could Become More Watchable

If NASCAR is encouraging drivers to be more colorful and to bump-draft at Talladega, it means NASCAR finally ditched any attempt to make the sport a castrated, corporate version of the racing that made it popular in the first place. Hooray for that, because rubbin’ is racin’ even if the suits don’t like it.

There are things that can make NASCAR even better, however. Exactly five of them, to be precise:

1. Flare guns. You know what to do with them, boys.

2. Eating challenges. If you can eat a McDonald’s value meal while going 70, surely highly paid athletes can eat meals while going 200 in a circle. Sponsorship opportunities abound: “That’s Tony Stewart eating a BK Chicken Fries Meal in just three laps, folks!” We mentioned Tony Stewart here for a reason. He’s fat, and would love to eat chicken fries in a race.

3. Mario Kart. Get Wii to sponsor the whole thing, come up with the technology to make the red shell real, and dress up Jeff Gordon like Toad and we’ll make some ratings magic.

4. Monkey co-drivers. Because people love monkeys, especially when they’re put in charge of the flare gun. (See #1.)

5. One hundred point bonus for crossing the finish line backwards. Self-explanatory, but if you don’t want powerslides at 180 mph on your television, I don’t even want to know your name, friend.