8. Song Of The Week: Tanking Romance, Tanking For John Wall

So on Monday, I had tickets to the Lakers and Wizards game. This was a problem, because it'd been six days since I'd seen my girlfriend, and Monday night was the first night when both of us were free. She got off work at eight, and expected to hang out afterward. I, on the other hand, was NOT missing the Lakers game. This led to lots of angry text messages back-and-forth. To wit:

Me: It's the LAKERS. How am I supposed to miss out on the Lakers?

Her: The Lakers mean nothing to me. You haven't seen me for seven days. Good to know you care more about the Lakers than me, though.

Me: That is sooooo unfair. Besides, It's the Lakers!

Her: Andrew it's the Wizards. You already know how the game will go.

Me: We can hang out afterward! Why is this conversation even happening?

Her: Hang out at 10:30? Oh yay!

Me: (no response ... taking her response as a yes)

Her: Fine. Go to the game. I'll see you later this week. And gosh, your value system is so attractive.

Now, this all happened early Monday morning. Later that day, I found out the game was on Tuesday night, and the argument had been completely unnecessary. I'm a moron. Still. Perfect solution, right? Wrong.

I still looked like a jackass, because I'd planned on going, and would have chosen the Lakers game over hanging out with my girlfriend. So, in relationship terms, I had to pay the penalty for going to the game that night, even though I didn't end up going. Relationships! The jumpoff giveth, and the jumpoff taketh... Your sanity. The jumpoff taketh your sanity.

 In any event, I strongly suggest turning out lights and blasting this at full volume:

Do you feel like a character from The Wood? Good, that's the idea.

This week's Song of the Week is dedicated to girlfriends everywhere, and also, the following teams that will begin to courting freshman sensation John Wall in the coming weeks. Nothing like a little synthesizer mood music to set the stage for some glorious tanking.

There are five leading candidates, with the Kings and Clippers looming as lottery darkhorses, because they won't completely sabotage their seasons for the sake of Wall, and that might just preserve their karma. Would a backcourt of John Wall and Tyreke Evans prompt me to move to Sacramento? Maybe?

Anyway, the prime suspects are below:

Phi_mediumThe Philadelphia 76ers have nothing left to play for, but just enough talent to take themselves out of the John Wall sweepstakes. For now. But what if they trade Andre Iguodala? Suddenly, we're talking about a team led by Allen Iverson, Louis Williams, and Elton Brand down the stretch. They have 15 wins and 30 losses right now. Couldn't you see them going 10-27 over their final 37 games? That would put them in the bottom five of the league, and 10 wins is being pretty generous, especially if they lose Iguodala.

Was_mediumThe Washington Wizards are in a similar position as the 76ers, but with slightly more talent. The key to an effective tanking strategy will be getting rid of Antawn Jamison, the last bastion of dignity with this bunch. Ship him to contender, and suddenly, the Wizards are trotting out a lineup of Andray Blatche, Caron Butler, Randy Foye, Brendan Haywood, and Mike Miller. With 38 games remaining, the Wizards have 14 wins. With that lineup, it'd be a shock if they won more than 7 or 8 games, putting them in prime position for a lottery windfall. Especially considering their good karma--after last year's bad lottery luck, and then Gilbert Arenas' dark turn--the Wizards at least have room to dream, and definitely have reason to tank. Deshawn Stevenson, you'll be a starter in no time!

Gsw_mediumGolden State has just 13 wins, but sports some of the worst luck in the league. If John Wall goes to San Francisco, it'll almost be sad. He deserves better. The league deserves better. And Golden State's haphazard management definitely doesn't deserve a reward for their aimless, apathetic tactics. Then again, if they start tanking, they're well within striking distance of our next two candidates...

Min_mediumDavid Kahn gets another point guard!!! Right now, the Timberwolves have nine wins and 38 losses. They've been overshadowed by the Nets, but keep in mind, the New York Knicks just beat these guys by 27 points. It's a pretty horrific bunch, and even though they've pegged Jonny Flynn as their leader of the future, to say nothing of Ricky Rubio waiting in Europe, you have to think that David Kahn will start looking to solidify their lottery chances as the year unfolds. He can't help himself. And if they land the number one pick, the only thing funnier than watching Kahn play hardball with fellow GMs this April will be when he actually trades the pick, and opts for Rubio over Wall. Choosing Rubio over John Wall would be like choosing Bon Jovi over Bruce Springsteen, but by God, David Kahn loves him some Bon Jovi!

Njn_mediumHEY-OOOOOO! The Nets won last night! That brings their record to an astonishing 4-40. For a team with this many talented pieces, it's flabbergasting that New Jersey is still playing this poorly. Although it'd be really impressive if they were, they don't appear to be tanking. Instead, it just seems like they're naturally awful. And yet, it could work out perfectly for them. Here's what could happen--the Nets land the top pick and draft John Wall. Mikhail Prokhorov takes over the team and proceeds to woo Lebron James with a series of high priced dinners. This leads to a press conference in Brooklyn, where Lebron, Jay-Z, and Prokhorov, flanked by Russian vixens, officially announce a new contract with New Jersey, and ceremonially break ground on the Nets' future stadium in Brooklyn. And yeah, it's far-feteched, but not that far-fetched. It could absolutely happen.

Unless... One of the above teams out-tanks them for John Wall! Until next week, stay tuned to the losers...

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