Last night, the Washington Post’s Mike Wise momentarily revived the newspaper industry, with a stunning report that Wizards guard Javaris Crittendon, previously looked upon as innocent in the whole Gilbert Arenas gun drama, also had a gun, and his was loaded.â†µ
Some of my initial reactions are here, but buried in the report — or perhaps obscured by the insanity of it all — was this little detail:
Crittenton then drew his weapon, loaded the clip into the chamber and cocked the bar, the witnesses said.â†µ
Neither witness said the gun was ever pointed at Arenas, but both said Crittenton began singing as he held the gun.â†µ
And really, that’s the craziest part of the story. Loading and cocking a weapon is one thing, but then singing? That’s just insane. How insane? Well, it depends what he was singing. With that in mind, in ascending order, the most insane possible song choices for Javaris.â†µ
By far the most logical choice, as pointed out by Holly last night, would be for him to whistle “Farmer in the Dell,” a la Omar Little, probably the most intimidating figure in television history:
Did you know that Javaris Crittendon is from Atlanta? The same city that prompted our Spencer Hall to tweet, “Happy New Year from Atlanta, where we’ll assume those gun shots are celebratory.” If, say, Javaris Crittendon put a gun to my head, I’d guess he was singing “Trap Goin Ham”, from ATL-artist Pill. Omar’s theme would be an inspired choice, but this is just grimey enough—and popular!—to be realistic:
Though, if we’re talking about gunfights and rap music, then Dipset’s “Let’s Go” is the gold standard. It samples Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On.” Marvin Gaye, or Pill? Streets is talking!
….Then again, drawing a loaded gun in an NBA locker room is insane. Like, there’s something seriously wrong with someone that does that. Maybe he likes the Black Eyed Peas:
Then again, maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. Finally, I present to you the most insane possible choice for Javaris. Unlikely? Sure. But impossible? You tell me. And don’t pretend you don’t like the song. Really. Nobody’s judging.
Sophie B. Hawkins, “As I Lay Me Down”
How ’bout a round of applause? Javaris Crittendon will be out of the NBA in mere weeks, BUT he just allowed me to spend a solid 45 minutes sifting through YouTube videos of varying absurdity. For my job. GO WIZARDS!