Curling Movie Prequel's Painful Prelude Plays Out Before Our Eyes

The prelude to "Throwing Stones" consists of our hero, bartender and curler John Shuster, missing a shot to win a game against the Norweigians. It's a layup, a shot to the middle of the house. He lets it go. It misses. they go to overtime and lose. 

Then, during this same flashback, he has to do this again the next day, and misses...and then misses again. Trolley camera back; crowd voices echo in stunned disappointment; Kevin James, playing the part of Shuster, falls to his knees on the sheet in the very picture of failure on the field (rink) of battle.* 

John Shuster, captain of the American curling team, really did just live that first five minutes of a curling movie starring James, Rob Schneider, and Nick Nolte as their eccentric Scottish coach bent on taming the ragtag gang of curlers into a championship squad. Shuster missed another game-winner shot to the button, then blew the "hammer" (the final throw) against Switzerland to send the United States to 0-3 and convince thousands of new curling fans that though it is slower and quirkier than other sports, it is just as capable of inflicting icy cruelty on its participants as any other. 

Someone purchase alcoholic beverages for Shuster tonight if you are in Vancouver and have half a heart, because he's thus far choked with the frequency and ferocity of a Rottweiler let loose to feed in the dumpster of a KFC. 

*"His finest performance since Paul Blart, Mall Cop!" --Ain't It Cool News**

**Because Will Ferrell turned it down.