Super Bowl Sunday: Let Amateur Hour Begin

Super Bowl Sunday will feature an orgy of old-fashioned American hyperconsumption. This applies doubly so for alcohol, since social anxiety and long seasons of in-game beer drinking come to a head during the Big Game, where amateurs tend to overindulge and professional alcoholympians press their capabilities to the edge. Sometimes this results in nasty hangovers the following morning, and sometimes it results in your neighbors never speaking to you ever again. Sometimes, if you're really, really fortunate, you get both to consider while picking up the shards of what used to be your coffee table. 

As ever, the Onion has America prepared for all of this, since even if you quit after a horrible Super Bowl hangover,  America's most prolific drinker will return for another season of NFL football. Take that, Brett Favre!