Snowed In On The East Coast? Your Guide To Being A Shiftless Layabout

SBN's crackerjack team of professional bloggers shepherds you through the hazards of spending a federal snow holiday ensconced on your couch.

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Your Presidents' Day Guide To Being A Shiftless Layabout

Tuesday's second straight snow day in the Nation's Capital means another day the federal government isn't working, and workaday Americans like yourselves will be in the same lackadaisical boat as us maladjusted stay-at-home writerly types. We've brought in SBN's own Spencer Hall, leading authority on getting paid to make football jokes on the internet, to help you pass the day in a more or less orderly fashion.

Holly Anderson: Like most pro bloggers, you're not planning on taking tomorrow off.  Do you attempt to sequester yourself indoors on federal snow days with civilians roaming the streets during business hours?

Spencer Hall: No, not at all. It's fun to meet people with real jobs, especially real jobs where you have to wear a suit and tie. Spend long enough out of that world, and everyone starts to look like some sort of uniform. Everyone's a bellhop. You just have to know what labels and buttons to look for when you're people-watching. You don't get that chance often, though. Most of the time you're in front of a computer, which is why you sometimes have to type in front of a window like a lonely houseplant starving for sunlight.

Holly Anderson: You're the father of the four-pronged "shower, pants, breakfast, workout" system of sanity retention for stay-at-home workers. It's a philosophy that has kept me well back from the abyss in my eighteen months of freelancing. Can you explain the relative importance of each tenet?

Spencer Hall:  Certainly. The priority: pants. Pants go on and thus separate you from the clinically depressed. If you do nothing else in the day to validate your commitment to still being in the human race, you put on pants.

Shower is next, because you have to be a friend to yourself if you work alone, and no one likes a friend who smells like one big body crease. (See: Swamp-ass.)

Third is breakfast, which keeps you from eating the fifteen month old pack of graham crackers that's been sitting in your cabinet for a late brunch, and then at some point in the day a workout. The workout gets you out of the house as much as anything, though the added benefit of not being morbidly obese does trump some blogger stereotypes.

Most days I hit three out of four, and in football that percentage is called Hall of Fame.

These four pillars of sane blogging should occupy you until somewhere between 10:00 a.m. and noon, at which point you should feel free to turn to your television. Our snow day sommelier recommends a hearty mix of classic American cinema and sporting events (all times Eastern):

10:00 Backdraft (Bravo)
12:00 Menace II Society (BET)
4:30 Hockey: Devils at Flyers (Versus; hockey reruns!)
4:40 Step Up 2: The Streets (Encore)
5:00 If you live in New Orleans, go outside. Parade time. Those outside New Orleans may watch the webcast.  Sulking Colts partisans will content ourselves with the USHRA Monster Jam Truck Competition on the Speed channel.
7:00 Meteor Storm (SciFi "SyFy")
7:00 College Hoops: Tennessee at Vanderbilt (ESPN)
8:00 Hockey: Red Wings at Blues (Versus)
9:00 College Hoops: Purdue at Michigan State (ESPN)

Still wearing those pants? Good. By this point, your parents/spouses should all be home to tuck you in. Great hustle out there today. If Jon Gruden were in your living room, he'd be saying "THAT guy can FLAT-OUT SIT on a COUCH."

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