Warriors owner patents soul-crushing machine

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OAKLAND - Chris Cohan, the principle owner of the Golden State Warriors, announced Wednesday that he has patented a machine that runs on the tears and heartbreak of Warriors fans. Cohan, who became the majority owner of the franchise in 1995, said the machine has been in development for over a decade and that it will soon be ready to be used.

"I thought of the idea when I saw the Montreal Expos sell off all of their players in the 1990's," Cohan said. "The amount of sadness the fans had must have been extraordinary. And then I thought, 'maybe I can make a device that can capitalize on that sadness.' But I needed a team to try it out on, so I bought into the Golden State Warriors, the team that's lost more games in NBA history than anyone. It was a perfect fit."

Cohan explained that each move the Warriors have made over the last 15 years has been designed to cause maximum heartbreak and disappointment. The machine can only be powered by breaking the will of every single Bay Area fan, though not to the extent that they sell off their season tickets.

The machine had long been suspected by Warriors fans, many of whom refused to believe that a team could be so incompetently run.

"It all makes sense," said Sam Bradley, a 28-year-old season ticket holder. "First we trade Speedy Claxton for Baron Davis, then we let Baron go, and then we trade Baron's replacement for Speedy Claxton? It was just too suspicious. It was like the team had run out of ways to make terrible decisions look natural."

Many are confused why the team was able to go to the playoffs in 2007, the only postseason appearance of Cohan's ownership, if the mission was to perpetually lose. Cohan explained that temporary success was all part of the plan.

"The key is to add just a dash of hope, otherwise people won't show up and we'll lose fans completely," Cohan told reporters. "Occasionally, we have to make smart moves to make people think that we're trying to win. That's why we had to trade Mike Dunleavy and Troy Murphy for Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington. I hated making that move, but it was necessary. It brought a slew of new fans to the stadium, more fans that we can disappoint with our crappy basketball.

"You didn't think we were actually trying to get better, did you?" he added. "We gave seven years and $41 million to Adonal Foyle. Now come on! Who the hell gives Adonal Foyle a max contract and thinks that they're going to get better?"

The question now on everyone's mind is: what exactly does the machine do and how will the Warriors use it? Cohan admits that he hasn't thought that far ahead.

"We have a couple directions that we can go in," he said. "Right now, our soul-crushing machine isn't as nearly strong as some of the other ones out there. Phoenix is offering us a really good soul-crushing add-on that would greatly improve the size, strength, and offensive presence of our machine. But we're pretty sure that if we continue to do terribly over the next 15 years, the law of averages will eventually make our soul-crushing machine one of the best in the business."

NOTE: The above is a satirical April Fool's article and is not to be taken seriously.

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