April Fool's Mock Draft

Hope you find this at least a little bit amusing....

1. St. Louis Rams - Norm Van Brocklin

The team is searching for a franchise quarterback.  Well, why take a chance on Sam Bradford when you can go with the sure thing?  Van Brocklin is a known quantity and already a legend.  Sure, he's been dead 27 years, but that just means he's well rested and ready to go.

2. Detroit Lions - Henry Ford

Louis Delmas said the other day the team is looking to stock up on leaders and all the talent it can.  Detroit should go with the hometown boy who has already demonstrated leadership skills and a knack for whipping people into shape and bringing efficiency.  New slogan in Detroit: "Assembly line to the end zone!"

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Edward Teach (Blackbeard)

Forget Ndamukong Suh.  If the Bucs really want to instill fear into the hearts of their opponents, they should draft the most famous pirate ever.  The dude fought with burning candles in his hair.  You really wanna mess with him?

4. Washington Redskins - A new team name

Really, guys?  Red skins?   Get with the 21st century, y'all.  Back in the 20's, there was a team with the name "Fairies."  (True story!) Go with that.

5. Kansas City Chiefs - Betty White

She has a stronger arm than Matt Cassel


6. Seattle Seahawks - Steve Jobs

They haven't done much with Microsoft's Paul Allen as owner.  Maybe it's time to switch to a Mac.

7. Cleveland Browns - A bucket

Mike Holmgren's judgment is in question.  Seneca WallaceJake Delhomme?  He's lost focus.  He clearly misses his bucket.

8. Oakland Raiders - Clark Kent

Has the size, strength, speed and athleticism to be a Raider.  Also has intriguing, virtually limitless upside.  Almost as if he's hiding a secret identity.

9. Buffalo Bills - Ben Stein

The Bills need to bring back the sizzle and excitement to the franchise and Stein certainly has more of that than anyone else currently on the roster.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jesus Christ

Since everyone seems to think taking God's younger son isn't a winning strategy for the Jags, maybe they should look to the older boy.  Jesus is pretty durable...every time you think he's done, he keeps resurrecting his career.  He seems to have a big following, so he'd also sell a lot of tickets.

11. Denver Broncos - Josef Stalin

The franchise needs a more likeable, less arrogant guy than Josh McDaniels

12. Miami Dolphins - Jim Carrey

Why not bring another stupid celebrity owner on board?  He already has a history with the franchise, having saved both their dolphin mascot and Dan Marino back in the mid-90's.

13. San Francisco 49ers - The guy who sang "Pants on the Ground"

Tell me he wouldn't team well with Mike Singletary

14. Seattle Seahawks - Ndamukong Suh

Really, if he falls this far, you have to take him

15. New York Giants - Woody Johnson's tears


16. Tennessee Titans - A Peyton Manning jersey

Seemed to motivate them last season, didn't it?

17. San Francisco 49ers - The 2005 #1 pick

Do over!  We actually pick Aaron Rodgers.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Matlock

Might as well keep the best defense attorney in the universe around, just in case

19. Atlanta Falcons - Bobby Petrino

Arthur Blank can organize a charity event.  Each fan pays 10 dollars to beat Petrino with a lead pipe for 30 seconds.  It'd raise millions.

20. Houston Texans - A playoff berth

If we can't win it, we'll draft it!

21. Cincinnati Bengals - Gandalf

Apparently magic of some sort is needed to exorcise the Curse of Bo Jackson and get them back to a Super Bowl

22. New England Patriots - James Bond

Now that the league is on to video cameras, the best super spy in the world can get them the info they need to get back on top!

23. Green Bay Packers - The head of Brett Favre

Would make a lovely decoration stuck on a pike atop Lambeau Field

24. Philadelphia Eagles - Sam Bradford

Hey, why not another quarterback?

25. Baltimore Ravens - A real city

Baltimore sucks.  Their most famous resident is a guy who bakes cakes for a living.

26. Arizona Cardinals - Justin Timberlake

Another ex-boy band member for Matt Leinart to chill out in the hot tub with

27. Dallas Cowboys - Pick forfeited

What do they need that Jerry Jones can't buy?

28. San Diego Chargers - The Heimlich Maneuver

Could be useful in the playoffs

29. New York Jets - Santa Claus

Now that Rex Ryan is shedding the pounds, they need a new jolly fat man

30. Minnesota Vikings - A warehouse full of Metamucil

They'll need it to tempt Gramps to come back for one more season

31. Indianapolis Colts - A box of cyanide capsules

Will be necessary if Peyton Manning ever suffers a season ending injury

32. New Orleans Saints - Reggie Bush's career potential

Oh here it is.  Been missing for 4 years.

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