Hope you find this at least a little bit amusing....
1. St. Louis Rams - Norm Van Brocklin
The team is searching for a franchise quarterback. Well, why take a chance on Sam Bradford when you can go with the sure thing? Van Brocklin is a known quantity and already a legend. Sure, he's been dead 27 years, but that just means he's well rested and ready to go.
2. Detroit Lions - Henry Ford
Louis Delmas said the other day the team is looking to stock up on leaders and all the talent it can. Detroit should go with the hometown boy who has already demonstrated leadership skills and a knack for whipping people into shape and bringing efficiency. New slogan in Detroit: "Assembly line to the end zone!"
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Edward Teach (Blackbeard)
Forget Ndamukong Suh. If the Bucs really want to instill fear into the hearts of their opponents, they should draft the most famous pirate ever. The dude fought with burning candles in his hair. You really wanna mess with him?
4. Washington Redskins - A new team name
Really, guys? Red skins? Get with the 21st century, y'all. Back in the 20's, there was a team with the name "Fairies." (True story!) Go with that.
5. Kansas City Chiefs - Betty White
She has a stronger arm than Matt Cassel.
6. Seattle Seahawks - Steve Jobs
They haven't done much with Microsoft's Paul Allen as owner. Maybe it's time to switch to a Mac.
7. Cleveland Browns - A bucket
8. Oakland Raiders - Clark Kent
Has the size, strength, speed and athleticism to be a Raider. Also has intriguing, virtually limitless upside. Almost as if he's hiding a secret identity.
9. Buffalo Bills - Ben Stein
The Bills need to bring back the sizzle and excitement to the franchise and Stein certainly has more of that than anyone else currently on the roster.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jesus Christ
Since everyone seems to think taking God's younger son isn't a winning strategy for the Jags, maybe they should look to the older boy. Jesus is pretty durable...every time you think he's done, he keeps resurrecting his career. He seems to have a big following, so he'd also sell a lot of tickets.
11. Denver Broncos - Josef Stalin
The franchise needs a more likeable, less arrogant guy than Josh McDaniels
12. Miami Dolphins - Jim Carrey
Why not bring another stupid celebrity owner on board? He already has a history with the franchise, having saved both their dolphin mascot and Dan Marino back in the mid-90's.
13. San Francisco 49ers - The guy who sang "Pants on the Ground"
Tell me he wouldn't team well with Mike Singletary
14. Seattle Seahawks - Ndamukong Suh
Really, if he falls this far, you have to take him
15. New York Giants - Woody Johnson's tears
Seemed to motivate them last season, didn't it?
17. San Francisco 49ers - The 2005 #1 pick
Do over! We actually pick Aaron Rodgers.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers - Ben Matlock
Might as well keep the best defense attorney in the universe around, just in case
19. Atlanta Falcons - Bobby Petrino
Arthur Blank can organize a charity event. Each fan pays 10 dollars to beat Petrino with a lead pipe for 30 seconds. It'd raise millions.
20. Houston Texans - A playoff berth
If we can't win it, we'll draft it!
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Gandalf
Apparently magic of some sort is needed to exorcise the Curse of Bo Jackson and get them back to a Super Bowl
22. New England Patriots - James Bond
Now that the league is on to video cameras, the best super spy in the world can get them the info they need to get back on top!
Would make a lovely decoration stuck on a pike atop Lambeau Field
24. Philadelphia Eagles - Sam Bradford
Hey, why not another quarterback?
25. Baltimore Ravens - A real city
Baltimore sucks. Their most famous resident is a guy who bakes cakes for a living.
26. Arizona Cardinals - Justin Timberlake
Another ex-boy band member for Matt Leinart to chill out in the hot tub with
27. Dallas Cowboys - Pick forfeited
What do they need that Jerry Jones can't buy?
28. San Diego Chargers - The Heimlich Maneuver
Could be useful in the playoffs
29. New York Jets - Santa Claus
Now that Rex Ryan is shedding the pounds, they need a new jolly fat man
30. Minnesota Vikings - A warehouse full of Metamucil
They'll need it to tempt Gramps to come back for one more season
31. Indianapolis Colts - A box of cyanide capsules
Will be necessary if Peyton Manning ever suffers a season ending injury
32. New Orleans Saints - Reggie Bush's career potential
Oh here it is. Been missing for 4 years.