Sports Meme Power Rankings: Big Ben, Double-J Bring Us Back From Hiatus

Spencer Hall's Sports Meme Power Rankings list the top ten most-discussed sports stories on the internet and beyond each week. These are determined by a rigorous process that incorporates a complex formula involving none of your business.

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Sports Meme Power Rankings: Big Ben, Double-J Bring Us Back From Hiatus

Following a three month break, Sports Meme Power Rankings returns this week after an extended paternity suit. I mean, leave. Paternity LEAVE.

No. 1: RISING LIKE THE DOUGH IN A FRYING VAT AT KRISPY KREME: PHIL MICKELSON, THE MASTERS, AND GETTING ICING ON YOUR GREEN JACKET.  The busty golfer won't just be known for the occasional fluky major win and his looks now, leaving only Colin Montgomerie in the category of "golfers known only for their sultry looks." The "now-only-sexist-not-racist" Masters awarded their famed green jacket to Phil Mickelson, a degenerate whose wife cheats on him, has serious gambling problems, and betrayed his country over some golf club endorsement. <---INSTANT PAGEVIEWS. 

I'm sorry, let's start over. See, I was trying to write something inflammatory, not something true, which is that Phil is just a dude who happens to be a great golfer, and that is nowhere as interesting as a.) lionizing him and raising him to the level of proximal sainthood, or b.) spitting out crapulent rumors about him, his wife, or his habits. That happens on the internet sometimes, because it it provocative and plays to Google's search protocols. We at will never stoop to such tricks. 

But hey: look at what a reader sent us! A picture of Justin Bieber being stalked by a raptor with the head of Erin Andrews! 


Phil Mickelson also went to Krispy Kreme in the green jacket, a move Meme Rankings dubs appropriately cheeky as some Augusta members are actually so uptight this irritated them. Well done, FIGJAM. Dan Jenkins also insulted the entire continent of Asia via Twitter. His job has since been outsourced to a cheaper old man who will tweet for Golf Digest from in front of a television in Guangxi Province.  

No. 2: FALLING LIKE HIS NET WORTH: TIGER AND DEAD FATHERS APPEARING IN THE PLOT WHICH IS ONLY COOL IN HAMLET. Oh, and Tiger didn't win the Masters because he had some problems driving his SUV through a crowd of prostitutes in Orlando or something. We're getting all our news through cheap Chinese newsfeeds these days, and the Mandarin is way rustier than we thought it was. 

No. 3: BIG BEN WOULD LIKE YOU TO SIGN SOME PAPERS BEFORE JOINING HIM FOR A ROMANTIC VISIT TO THE MEN'S TOILET.  Ben Roethlisberger's sexual assault investigation closed this week with no charges filed, but Roger Goodell, who knows more than any investigator does and who wields a power unfettered by any law, will probably suspend him because mumble mumble err yes hurm. <---indicates complete lack of justification for anything Goodell does since he functions as a king, not a CEO, and boy as a Senator's son didn't he earn that right with his hard work. 

Signing a waiver of any possible legal action, though, may be a solid course of action for Ben. A simple clipboard loaded with them would be standard nightlife equipment. If successful, this could be a pilot program for all NFL players, especially those fond of having sex with sloshed ladies in bathrooms. I mean, who hasn't been there? 

/raises hand

/never dated much

/thinks strange bathrooms are icky

/not huge famous rich quarterback.

Right then. Well, if you'd like to field-test any theories about Roethlisberger, you might have the opportunity to do that in your town very soon. Additionally, if you're not sure it's him, you can spot him due to his unique method of greeting women in bathrooms. 

Ann Marie Lubatti, a friend of the alleged victim, told investigators that Roethlisberger appeared to be "noticeably intoxicated" before walking to the nearby restroom and that "he walked back to where she was with his penis already out of his pants." ... "I told him it wasn't OK; no, we don't need to do this, and I proceeded to get up and try to leave," the accuser wrote. "I went to the first door I saw, which happened to be the bathroom, and shut the door behind him. I still said no, this is not OK, and he then had sex with me. He said it was OK. He then left without saying anything."

Um...okay, revise previous statements. Do whatever you like with him Goodell. When he begins to protest, just keep telling him it's okay. 

No. 4: WOO-HOO THE OL' DOUBLE J IS LOADED. Big Daddy Drew hasn't been writing satirical sports fiction: he's just been taking dictation from surveillance tapes of the Cowboys' offices. Jerry Jones got caught drunk in a bar, something almost as scandalous as being caught sweaty in a gym or hungry at Taco Bell at 3 in the morning. Why any of this is scandalous is beyond us, especially since he said Bill Parcells wasn't "worth a s---", which we've always thought anyway, and because he probably bought those guys' drinks like a rich drunk guy should. 

He also said Tim Tebow couldn't get on the field in the NFL, which may be true. <---IS STRUCK BY DIVINE LIGHTNING

This nation was built by great drunkards, and if you doubt that consider what kind of a frame of mind you'd have to be in to fly a kite in a thunderstorm like Ben Franklin did. We've done science experiments when hammered, too. You don't become an expert in turning perfectly good frozen pizzas into charcoal frisbees without scientific (drunken) research and a few burned-down houses to your name. Science comes with costs, dammit. 

No. 5: RISING LIKE A PUT-BACK INTO YOU OWN BASKET: NBA PLAYOFFS LET'S REALLY TRY NOW. The fight for NBA title begins this weekend with something called "the playoffs." If only they had a BCS that chose exhibition games for a one round, arbitrary playoff between only major market teams, then we could truly call the NBA's best a "champion." Someday you'll have your Rose Bowl, hoops fans, along with its beautiful parade of flower-covered, crowd-pleasing floats! 

Even with this ongoing tragedy, Rasheed Wallace is fully focused on the task at hand. 

Anything is possibuuuuuuuuullllllll....

No. 6: CLIMBING LIKE THE NUMBER OF BRONCOS DRAFT PICKS: BRANDON MARSHALL GOES TO A SAFE PLACE. Miami, a place where the occasionally troubled wide receiver will surely keep himself out of trouble in a tropical Gommorah stocked with stunning ladies and nonstop nightlife. You might ask where we keep our gasoline? Right next to our fireworks, of course! In return, the Broncos will receive two second round draft picks, which Josh McDaniels will attempt to out-Belichick by trading down, and then down again, and eventually farming them all into 73 can't miss picks in the 2035 draft. It's like you don't see the grand plan, man. 

No. 7: RISING LIKE A FINE SOUFFLE OF HYPE: JASON HEYWARD IS THE SECOND COMING. Let's all just keep things in perspective. Certainly Sports Illustrated will keep this all in perspective for us hysterical online types with a sober, measured take on the 20-year-old Atlanta Braves slugger...


...or yeah. Just go insane everyone. 

No. 8: CLIMBING LIKE A PILE OF SCRAP METAL IN A JUNKYARD: THE ASTROS ARE NOT GOOD OR EVEN IN GOOD'S ZIP CODE. Formerly winless and now the proud owners of one win, awful, and on pace to score fewer runs than any team has ever scored in a non-strike shortened season. Upside: summer's coming up in Houston, and if you like 90 degrees and stroke-inducing humidity, you'll love every second of it, Bayou City!  

No. 9: FALLING LIKE, UM, TEXAS STADIUM: TEXAS STADIUM BLOWED UP REAL GOOD. Ol' Double J blew up twice in the news this week as Texas Stadium came down, made obsolete by the JerryDome's pole dancers and $72 jumbo beers. It would be tragic if Texas Stadium didn't always resemble a giant carport, and if it didn't look so completely awesome coming down

No. 10: THE ORBITING AND EVER PRESENT BRETT FAVRE PR DEATH STAR/ COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE. It never sleeps, always in orbit, always waiting to feed the beast of slobbering Favre-obsessed beat writers with more information about the Ancient Mariner's whereabouts. This week: he's giving away pants if you make it to offseason workouts, but if you go deep for them he stands a very good chance of throwing them to someone else entirely. 

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