Live From New York... It's SB Nation At The 2010 NFL Draft!

The NFL Draft is one of ESPN’s few all-hands-on-deck personnel emergencies. Just so you won’t be shocked at some of the horror to come, let’s review the dramatis personae.

Chris Berman. “The BURGH BLAH HURNGY BHLARGH BURNGH”

Tendencies: Loud. Ill-prepared. Stammers frequently. Has not acquired a new cultural touchstone to reference on-air since 1987. Will sometimes appear to have had a stroke on air during long silences. If he’s the bus driver of the team, he’s the one who skips up on the curb and takes out the bus stop in the process.

Quote: “BELLOWING NOISE.”

Signature move: The horrible outro.

Chris Mortensen. “The Mimeograph”

Tendencies: Being very certain at all times. Avoiding any and all disagreement with anyone at all times. Taking what general managers tell him, writing it down, and then saying it on the air. In that sense, less an analyst, and more of a human voicemail service for the NFL.

Quote: “[Insert Source’s Quote Here] is what he said, and I trust him.”

Signature move: Addressing Berman as “Boomer,” which may induce nausea in new viewers.

Steve Young. “The Excitable Boy”

Tendencies. Busts in to make his point like a jittery honors student. Often has no idea where the camera is, and thus flits around looking for the red light like he’s reading a zone blitz. Talks over people and out of turn like a bad dinner party guest after coffee and dessert.

Quote: “I actually kind of know what I’m doing here.”

SIgnature Move: The Dramatic Chipmunk, turning toward the camera that’s actually on with a quickness.

Tom Jackson. “The Prisoner.”

Tendencies: Sober commentary. Quiet loathing of the bellowing fat man to his left he’s been chained to for over two decades.

Quote: “Please, kill me. Hell can’t be worse than this.”

Signature move: The tasteful hand chop to emphasize a point.

Mel Kiper “Mel Kiper”

Tendencies: THE KIPER 83000 NOW SPEAKS AT 348 WORDS A MINUTE AND REQUIRES NO CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW NUCLEAR GENERATOR MOUNTED IN THE HIP UNIT.

Quote: [RUN DATA SET 380=“TEBOW/ANALYSIS”] [GO]

Signature move: Program glitch in mispronouncing strength as “strinth,” a move to fool humans into thinking he is flawed, and therefore one of them.

John Gruden. "THAT GUY"

Tendencies: Loud noises. Hammering the second and third words of every sentence like they're nails on his worst enemy's coffin. Smirking. Squinting. 

Quote: "THIS GUY." 

Signature move: Winking to end a sentence and initiate segue. 

To help in our live analysis of the 2010 NFL Draft at Radio City Music Hall, we've enlisted the services of America's favorite Swagger expert, Fake Scoop Jackson.

Brrrrr... Is it cold in here? Oh yeah. Ice cold.

Demaryius Thomas just broke the damn thermostat. Get a coat, hater.

Uncle Scoop gives this ensemble a 10 out of 10. Don't let the baby blue fool you... That's grown man swagger right there. See the pocket square? 'Course not.

You were too busy checkin' out the shades. And the windsor knot? Damn.

From ashy to classy to just plain, nasty. Demaryius. Even the name has swagger.

After the draft, it's the afterpartyyyy... And please believe, wherever it is, you better bring an overcoat.

Demaryius is puttin' the haters on ice tonight.

These are two Steelers fans I just met... On the right is Zack, and on the left is Yusef. And yes, that's a Snuggie. Asked about the outfit, Yusef said, "Yeah, man. It's a Snuggie. but I had to pin it together so I could wear it right. You know, pimp it out a little bit." And really, who could argue?

I talked briefly to Yusef and Zack in the lobby of Radio City, and here's what they had to say about Ben Roethlisberger:

Yusef: I'm not to worried about, ya know? We just lookin at it like a 4-6 injury... He'll be back.

Me: Do you think he'll get traded?

Zack: I think so. Maybe even tonight. He's gone. 

Me: So you want him gone?

Zack: No, I don't think he should get traded, but I think they're gonna trade him at this point. The owners have had enough.

Yusef: He's got some problems man, no question. But we'll get over it once he starts playing again.

At this point, a few others entered the conversation, including a guy who went to Miami of Ohio when Roethlisberger was there. Most of what was said can't be reprinted on a family website, but it all centered on what's wrong with Big Ben. Here's one theory courtesy of Zack, the Steelers fan rocking facepaint and eyeblack:

"Honestly? I just think he's got problems gettin' chicks. I mean the dude looks like Seth Rogen."

BOOM. As analysis goes, I think we have to call that definitive. He's got some problems, man. And chief among those problems just might be that he looks like Seth Rogen. More in a bit...

After killing time in New York City for the past few hours--probably the best place in history to "kill time"--it's back to business, and we're finally hooked up at Radio City. Would you like to see a 300 page dossier on every draft prospect, collated into postions for each player? The NFL is happy to oblige.

Don't worry... There's one for defense, too! (Hits self over the head with both books).

The draft itself is awesome, but the analysis gets a bit tedious after awhile. And that's why this event worked so well on a Saturday in late-April. You could flip to the NBA and NHL playoffs... You could fall asleep... You could spend an hour making fun of Mel Kiper, Jr. and Todd McShay. It was the perfect amount of white noise and meaningful action. All day long, the draft would be buzzing in the background, and you could plan your day accordingly.

Now? The draft's in prime time,a sure sign that the NFL intends on making this an Event. And it may work, becuase God knows, if people love football enough to sit through 4-5 preseason games each year, they'll certainly watch as their teams add future superstars, trade big names, or, if you're a Raiders fan, continue to stab you in the f'ing heart. It's part of being a fan. But will it work better?

I don't think so, and here's why: Suddenly, the analysis itself becomes the show, and again, you can only break down 40 times and throwing motions for so long before the brain goes numb and you're slackjawed on the couch, drooling on the replica jersey you're rocking for the occasion.

But before we pan the idea completely, here's one more wrinkle that I didn't consider before arriving in New York City: These are humans. And while the 1st Round won't change very much whether it's on Saturday afternoon, Tuesday morning, or Thursday Night, one thing that will change is the 2nd and 3rd. Suddenly, the people in charge of drafting these guys have an extra night to second guess themselves, maneuver up and down to pick up extra picks, and do all the little things that make the draft such an essential event for NFL fans.

It's not the analysis that sells this stuff; it's the idea that, on some level, you can win the draft. Even if you have a low first round pick or no first round pick, in the later rounds, there's a lot of value to be had. And now, as the NFL tries to make the first round even more of a spectacle, the competition just got a lot more fierce, as everyone'll have an extra 24 hours to wheel and deal where it (arguably) matters most.

So keep that in mind as people talk about the new format all night. The NFL Draft may be upping the glamour factor by hitting prime time, and it should be an interesting show (40 times! Game tape! Mechanics!). But at the end of the night, things should get even better. You thought the gamesmanship and strategy of the draft was intense the past few years? Well now the would-be geniuses running NFL front offices will have two extra days to play with.

The rest of the fans are still making their way to Radio City, but let's just say the standard for devotion has been established, and the standard is high. Very, very high.

SB Nation’s Andrew Sharp sends this dispatch from New York City…

Apologies that this update’s a little later than expected. The New York City subway system is way too complex for me, so I figured it’d be easier to walk 30 blocks to Radio City. Ten of those blocks included Times Square, we had to stop for food, and… Well, there goes two hours.

Also, the media credentials provided by the NFL don’t kick in until 4 p.m., so I think I’m technically trespassing in Radio City Music Hall right. Nevertheless, we made it! Even have a cell phone photo to prove it!

And really, for the next few hours, the show’s going to be on the outside, among the legions of football fans that made the pilgrimage to Manhattan for tonight’s affair. Just walking around outside Radio City has been half the fun in all this, hearing a bunch of football fans talking trash and getting psyched for tonight. Two quick examples before I get bounced from here by NFL security (until 4:00).

— Guy in a Steelers jersey "…I mean, we just lost Roethlisberger for 6 games. That’s gonna hurt."

— Guy in Raiders jersey "Big deal. We’ve got Jamarcus Russell for 16. That’s gonna hurt a lot more.

And down the street, I heard kid heckling two Jets fans. "So you think you guys can finally win the AFC East this year?" The kids about 14 years-old in a baggy t-shirts, the Jets fans were both about 40, two black guys, and each wearing gigantic Mark Sanchez jerseys.

One of the Jets fans: "Oh most definitely. The Patriots’ time is over. Rex, Santonio, Cromartie… We’re good to know."

14 year-old: "So New England’s done, huh? What about Miami, they’re looking pretty good…"

Same Jets fan: "Miami, man… Yeah, they look good. But who’s their quarterback?"

Other Jets fan: "Miami aint never gonna win the AFC East."

14 year-old: "Oh I know who’s year it is… BUFFALO!"

(Uproarious laughter from all three)

Something all NFL fans can agree on: "Buffalo? Hahahahahahaha." And really, where else would you find grown men skipping work, camped out wearing football jerseys, talking trash with a teenager blatantly skipping school, and camping out himself? You could argue that a lot of interest in the NFL Draft is manufactured by the media, but don’t ever say it’s not awesome.